I've been about as real as I can be about the up's and down's of my journey. A part of that roller coaster ride has been loving the man with whom I bore two children. I did everything I thought was right. I cooked the best a woman could while holding down a full time job and raising two small children. I cleaned the best I could. I ironed his clothes and put extra ice in his glass just like he liked it. I remembered to wash his jeans in cold water and take them out of the dryer to dry the rest of the way like he liked it. When he tapped me on the shoulder, I rolled over. I gave him the pin number to all of my accounts and he held the cards in his wallet. He wouldn't always use them but he knew he could- all he had to do was ask.
I played the wifey role to a tee. The only thing left for me to do was wait for my Oscar. Sure, we had some heated arguments and exchanges. But nobody had his back like me. When his chips were down, I slid him another stack. I scratched his back and massaged his neck just like he liked it. I showered him with compliments every chance I could get.
You'd think this would have been enough to save us...
But it wasn't.
Truth is, he gave me children, bills, and in the bedroom, he gave me chills...
But there was one thing he never gave me.
I want to keep it real with y'all tonight so get a glass of Mascato, Kool-Aid or sweet tea, whatever your fancy and get ready to keep it real.
I've seen so many insecure women lately. They're all over facebook and twitter. Some of them question you directly, asking you how you know their husbands or boyfriends. Maybe you just went to church with him or the two of you were in high school together. Either way, we've all seen or heard of the insecure wives and girlfriends accosting people on social sites and putting their spouses and friends on blast.
Although I don't agree with the method, I understand where it comes from.
You see, I was that insecure lady once. I would go half out of my mind wondering where my man was, who he was talking to and what on earth they could be talking about.
I know what it's like to have a man's shoes in your closet and his clothes in your chest of drawers...
But when he comes home, he walks right past you and scoops up his children... I mean, our children.
I know what it's like to ask for a hug and kiss and have him suck his teeth, roll his eyes and keep on walking. I know what it feels like to lay down beside him at night and cry silent tears as he turns his back to me...all night long. And if I though we'd connect in the morning, he would stay asleep for as long as possible and cop an attitude if I tried to wake him before his alarm went off for the third time. I know what it's like to have one and two word sentences. I know what it's like to see "K" as a reply to a text message time after time. I know what it's like to be jealous of my own children.
I know what it's like to wish he could love me half as much as he loved and loved on them.
I know how it feels to see him show more respect and concern for the opinions and desires of his family than the woman who he laid his head down beside every night. I know what it's like to be asked to help pay his family members' bills but be told we didn't have enough money for a date night.
So what's the point of it all?
All the things I just named are symptoms.
Going through cellphone records, checking his wallet, analyzing receipts in his pocket, and roaming his list of facebook friends were all symptoms of the real problem.
Even if he told me who all 295 of his facebook friends were...
Even if he came home at 12 a.m. instead of 5 a.m.
Even if he kissed me more...
It would all mean nothing and be worthless...
I'd still feel insecure if he didn't give me this one thing...
That one thing is his heart.
You see, I'm gonna tell you something my mama, grandmamas, daddy and granddaddies never shared with me. I'm going to save somebody what took me 33 years to discover. You're about to learn it in one short night of reading.
A man can give you so many things: house, car, money, Louboutin shoes, purses, trips, first class flights, and even his babies, but if he doesn't give you his HEART, he's given you nothing at all.
A man will pay a dear and heavy price for his entertainment and amusement.
Most of us women have been led to believe that if a man spends his money, it must be love because there's little that men love more than their money and material possessions. It's true, many men do love their money and material possessions. However, their true treasure is their hearts.
That's the secret they won't tell you.
I just let the cat out of the bag.
That's what a man is afraid to give you and many won't.
So here's the next question:
"How do I know whether or not I have a man's heart?"
This is an excellent question and one that has a simple answer.
That's something that I never had with the father of my children. No matter how many times I cried, shouted and screamed that coming in at 5 a.m. was a problem, none of it had any influence over his behavior. That's why you see women who settle for the title of mistress always sitting with their face cracked when their lover goes back to his wife. He'll sit up and hide you, keep you a secret, make you come in through the back door, call a special cellphone number, meet him at a hotel, follow him to a parking lot and then the back of his car, but as soon as the one who has his heart is close to being on to him, he drops the mistress like a hot rock.
But he gave me a condo!
But he gave me a baby Bentley!
But I had his baby!
But he told me he loved me more than her and told me she wasn't all that good to him!
And all of that may have been true about her.
But when it comes to "having a man", you aint GOT a man unless you have his heart.
What you have is a playmate.
And when he gets tired of playing with you, he gets up and goes home to the person he really gives a rats about.
Just something for you to ponder and think about.
Lord knows I love the father of my two precious and sweet children. My baby girl looks so much like him it's amazing. But the truth of the matter is that I didn't then nor do I now have his heart.
Even today when he calls, he never asks me how I'm doing and if he does, I'm quickly interrupted by his woes and issues. As much as I love hugs and tender kisses, he never offers them.
I'm so far down on the totem pole of his priorities that I can't even see myself there anymore.
That's not because I'm a bad person.
I went through that phase where I blamed myself. Maybe it's because I didn't do enough. Maybe I should have talked less and gave just a little more. Love darn near made a fool out of me. I did some of the most unbelievable things trying to prove my loyalty and devotion to this man. I did everything I could to try to coax his heart down off it's perch. But it never flew down to me.
It never trusted me.
And no matter how hard you work and try, if a man won't give you his heart, you can't do enough to win it.
So where's the silver lining? Where's the bright side, you ask?
I do believe that there is a man for me, and for any other dear sister of mine who may read this whose heart will come flying into your arms. You won't have to be made to feel like a slave. He will trust you because you are trustworthy. He will give you his heart and when you have that, you'll have whatever else comes with him.
But ladies, hear me.
Accept NOTHING short of a man's heart. I don't care if he sets up a joint checking account, moves his stuff in, buys a house with you and makes a baby with you... if it's not his heart, it's not enough.
Because let me tell you this: when you don't have a man's heart and decide to enter into a relationship with him anyway, you're setting yourself up for a life of perpetual insecurity. A man you cannot influence is a man you can never trust. You have to know that your feelings matter to him. You opinion matters to him. Your values matter to him. Your convictions matter to him. Your pain matters to him. You joy matters to him. Your peace of mind matters to him.
Any man who tells you that your insecurity is your own responsibility is a man that's telling you that his heart is his to keep and not yours to hold. If he truly gave it to you, he'd do whatever it took to make sure everything I just named was in place. No question.
He'd put his nosy mama in check.
He'd tell his homeboys he couldn't hang out super late anymore.
He'd give you what you wanted and needed because he already gave you the one thing that mattered most to him and that is his heart.
The heart of a man is his treasure, not his things. Gifts are nice. But never accept a material gift in place of his heart.
His heart is the place where he crowns his true queen.