Monday, July 30, 2012

Me, My Boyfriend and His "Baby Mama"...

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Welcome to the wonderfully convoluted world of co-parenting! If one doesn't know what to expect going in, they may find themselves dealing with some very negative situations and feelings that hurt both their co-parenting relationship and their children.

 I've been on both sides of the coin. I used to be the woman dating the guy who had a child. Then I became the woman who had children with the guy who already had a child.

I want to talk about the "girlfriend" perspective for a moment; the woman who's dating a man who has a child outside of his relationship with her.

There's nothing quite as challenging as having a man you're head over heels in love with but he still has a very active tie to his past via his child(ren)'s mom. Unfortunately, many girlfriends put on a brave face through courtship and engagement, but at some point, how she really feels slips out and it's usually not pretty.

Here's what I'd like to tell you. It's natural to feel somewhat threatened by the mother of your significant other's child. The wrong thing to do is make subtle and overt attempts to distance the child from his/her mother so that you can enjoy what looks to be a "perfect family picture". Spoiling his child and trying to win them over with gifts and activities so that they enjoy your company more than the mother's company is manipulative.

That would be the wrong move, not to mention selfish.

What you should do is place yourself, even if for a moment, in another woman's pumps.

Let's just say that you and your significant other have children together. If, God forbid, the relationship went south, how would it feel if another woman entered your ex's life, started wanting your child to call her "mama" and trying to influence the child to move in with her and your ex as soon as she was legally old enough to do so?

Don't worry girl... I can see the veins popping in your forehead from here. Remember that perfect family picture I mentioned earlier? Go ahead and wipe that out of your mind. Your family dynamic will forever be different because the love of your life has a child with another woman. Unless something tragic happens, that child will remain outside of your household and therefore, you must accept that at least for you, the dream of having a traditional relationship with only you and your man to deal with is not going to happen. Shake the fairytales quickly.

Here's some key things to keep in mind when dating a man who has children:

1. There are two sides to every story concerning his past with his child's mother. Trust and believe that he's going to give you the most unpleasant side so that you won't feel threatened. But the truth is, there weren't all bad days, thus their having a child or children together. There's no side to take when it comes to your man and his child's mother. Keep the responsibility of both parties in mind, and that's the wellbeing of the child. You're not there to judge his past or hers so don't get dragged into the middle by either party.

2. If you go into the situation thinking the mother of his children is the bad guy, you'll have a hard time shaking this image, no matter what she does. Be leery of men who are always speaking negatively about the mother of their children. Why? Here comes #3...

3. Unless you are physically unable to bear children, always keep in mind that the woman he has a child with now you could very well be in her shoes one day. We'd all like to live happily ever after, but the truth is some relationships don't make it. It's important to see how a man handles situations in life that aren't always ideal. It takes an extraordinary amount of maturity to co-parent and do so respectfully. If your man has nothing good to say about the mother of  his children all the time, just remember, "She could one day be ME. Do I want to be disrespected like this?" The true test of a man's character isn't in how he deals with people he likes but how he deals with people he's no longer on the best of terms with. In your mind, you may feel his criticism is justified, based on his information to you and your limited observations. But again, keep in mind that it's important to see how a man handles a situation where two people aren't on the best of terms, particularly when children are involved. Can he remain respectful and still hold to his parental duties? Keep your eyes and ears open.

4. You cannot erase his past. That means, you cannot make the mom go away and you can't try to find subtle ways to erase her from the life of your man also. It takes maturity and self confidence to date a man with children. If you need every last drop of a man's attention, you may want to reconsider dating a man with children. The last thing you want to do is resent a woman you don't know or children you did not give birth to. It is true that some co-parenting relationships do not have good boundaries. But this is just as much his fault as it is the mother's. Do not tolerate disrespect. If you feel that he isn't able to keep his relationship with the mother of his children appropriate, then you may need to consider walking away for your own dignity's sake.

5. Keep in mind, it's just as hard for him to try to be a good father to his child outside of his relationship as it is for you to deal with it. Because of his choices, he now has two or more women in his life that he must find a way to engage and respect without offending any of them to the detriment of his child or children. Sounds like a tight rope, right? You can make it easier if you keep the right attitude. Support him being a father to his children and spending quality time with them. Commend him when he is respectful of his children's mother. Respect for her is NOT disrespect of you! Again, keep in mind "she is me" when you want to fly off the handle and become offended. All it takes to become her is a pregnancy and a break up. You want any children that come into the relationship to feel and receive love from everyone, including you.

In part 2, I'll  give the "baby mama's" point of view. You don't want to miss it!

Have you had negative experiences dating a man with children?

97 comments:

GirlonFire said...

I am at a very young age and very head over heels with my boyfriend and I have tried everything in my power to make things work for all of us me, him and his baby mama but I do not know where i am going wrong 1stly I tried making it clear to my boyfriend that yes he is someone elses baby daddy but i asked for him to set boundries things like asking her not to call at akward hours of the night asking him to come over sonce we are in the same institution, i tried making small talk wit the baby mama asking about the child all my attempemts have failed until she had an outburst telling me to leave her alone and that we must leave her child out of our realtionship and that my boyfriend is forcing matters by trying to involve me in the childs life and so on and i also had my far share of outbursts because i fail to understand how i could possibly create a wprking relationship if she keeps finding fault in all my efforts

Melissa said...

GirlonFire, thank you for taking the time to read and comment. Let me share some things with you to help. First, people in their mid 30's like myself have a tough time with dealing with the whole dynamic of children outside of a relationship. And I will be honest with you: it takes a high level of maturity to make a relationship like this work, and that's men and women included. Few people have the level of maturity that it takes to successfully manage this very complicated family structure. I'm not saying this to discourage you but to give you perspective. So if you decide that your love for your boyfriend is strong and you want to hang in there with this relationship, then you must be prepared to roll up your sleeves and keep working at it. Based on what you've told me, there will be many more painfully disappointing days between you, the baby mama and your BF because it sounds like there's still some issues between them that have nothing to do with you. If you want to know how difficult this may be for his baby mama, imagine that you are her. As much as you love your BF, you have his child but now the two of you are broken up. There's anger, hurt, frustration, jealousy when you see him moving on with another woman while you're the one with his child, etc. At this point, rather than telling you what to do as "the girlfriend" in this situation, I want to tell you what to do so as not to become "the baby mama". The truth of the matter is that if you decide to have a baby with your bf (planned or unplanned)this will create an even more tense situation between all of you because now you feel as if your child with him takes priority and his first baby mama feels the same way. My advice? If you're having unprotected sex with your boyfriend, stop. And if you really want to take it to the level it needs to be, abstain completely if you aren't already. You're getting a courtside view of what happens when "romantic love" goes bad and there's a child involved. Don't ignore what you're seeing and hearing. Lastly, you are a girlfriend, not a wife. I'm not saying this to insult you but as a reminder. A lot of what you're trying to do and manage should rest on a wife's shoulders, not yours. There's no covenant of marriage involved so why are you investing in your relationship as if you're already married? My suggestion? Give ALL of them some space! You are young. You do not have children. Give your boyfriend and his baby mama their business back. They have a lot to figure out as parents that has absolutely nothing to do with you. In the meantime, you're focused on YOUR goals, your passions, and hopefully, your relationship with God. And it may be that as you take a step back and allow them to do things the way that they want to that you find a love that you can call your own that doesn't make you feel like you have to referee between two people or feel disrespected by another woman. Blessings to you sis and feel free to stay connected!

evana romandia said...

Hi Melissa.
I am actually in the same situation but a little different. This might be long but i really need advice and help.

So, first of all. My boyfriend has a 6 year old daughter with a girl he grew up with. My boyfriend told me a whole lot about there past together. The went to the same church, they even went out together when they were kids and years later got back together and only 7 months later had a baby together. I feel like I am just another girlfriend is his families eyes because his mother still has family photos of her in them, also photos of her giving birth in the hospital ect. And it bothers me and makes me feel left out and veru uncomfortable. My boyfriends mother does know how I feel about the photos being up but she really does not care about how I feel. They still envite her to family events and everything. Its just really hard for me to handle all of this from knowing about my boyfrends past with the baby mama to the family not accepting me like they do the baby mama. For examply, today, my boyfriends grandmother called and said she will be having his daughter with her so the 3 of them should go get dinner. The grandmother didnt even bother to envite me to go with them, so I feel very much left out, and here I am sitting at home looking for some advice. This maybe be alittle much but I also have to mention that My boyfriend told me to get an abortion when i found out i was pregnant, but when his baby mama got pregnant he was all for having a child with her, so that hurts me. Anyway, I am back and forth about my feelings about continuing my relationship with my boyfriend because of all this. I need help

evana romandia said...

Hi Melissa.
I am actually in the same situation but a little different. This might be long but i really need advice and help.

So, first of all. My boyfriend has a 6 year old daughter with a girl he grew up with. My boyfriend told me a whole lot about there past together. The went to the same church, they even went out together when they were kids and years later got back together and only 7 months later had a baby together. I feel like I am just another girlfriend is his families eyes because his mother still has family photos of her in them, also photos of her giving birth in the hospital ect. And it bothers me and makes me feel left out and veru uncomfortable. My boyfriends mother does know how I feel about the photos being up but she really does not care about how I feel. They still envite her to family events and everything. Its just really hard for me to handle all of this from knowing about my boyfrends past with the baby mama to the family not accepting me like they do the baby mama. For examply, today, my boyfriends grandmother called and said she will be having his daughter with her so the 3 of them should go get dinner. The grandmother didnt even bother to envite me to go with them, so I feel very much left out, and here I am sitting at home looking for some advice. This maybe be alittle much but I also have to mention that My boyfriend told me to get an abortion when i found out i was pregnant, but when his baby mama got pregnant he was all for having a child with her, so that hurts me. Anyway, I am back and forth about my feelings about continuing my relationship with my boyfriend because of all this. I need help

Melissa said...

Evana, thank you so much for taking the time to visit my blog. I want to give you some advice that will help you to at least start thinking a little differently about this situation.
First, I want to tell you that in our society, the position of "girlfriend" has become way more than it should have ever been. What I mean is girlfriends easily drift in and out of the "wifey" title and end up shouldering wifely duties. This is great for a man because he gets all of these benefits at a steep discount. He doesn't have to make a legally binding commitment to you and ne doesn't have to clearly define your role in his life as well as his responsibilities to you because after all, "y'all aint married".
But the reality is that it hurts to give your all to a man and to a relationship all to be treated like the fifth wheel when it comes to his family and his child.
I'm going to give you some hard truths but trust that it's coming from a woman who lived it: You feel like the fifth wheel because you ARE the fifth wheel. Your boyfriend already has a family: his parents,child and baby mama. This is the family that HE created and so far, it looks like it's the only family he's interested in maintaining.
It's not your job to come in and tell him, or his mama, or his baby mama that you deserve to have a place of respect. That place should have already been prepared for you, you feel me?
So that's where you need to start from. Start from the moment you read this reply and think about YOU for a change. It's time you looked out for YOUR best interests, and not everyone else's because trust me, whether you stay or go, everyone else is going to continue to do business as usual the way they want to.

Melissa said...

continued..
So the question is, what are YOU going to do? What do YOU deserve? And how are YOU going to protect your heart so as not to be hurt anymore in this situation or a future relationship?
First thing you need to do is be a girlfriend. Do you want to know what that means? Well, girlfriends have their own lives, their own interests and their own plans. They spend time with boyfriends, but at the same time, they have their own friends that they hang out with. They have their own homes. They pay their own bills. They have their own goals and dreams that they're achieving in life. Girlfriends also realize that there's no ring on their finger that says that if another man comes along that can respect her and love her the way she deserves that she can't move on with him. Is it wrong to think this way? It only seems that way because girlfriends have been conditioned to behave like wives but receive the respect of girlfriends. Your boyfriend's mom isn't disrespecting you- her son is. She's treating you like a girlfriend because her son hasn't made you his wife. Now let me caution you: you may think that having his baby will even the playing field between you and his baby mama but do NOT play with your seed that way. Children deserve to be born into a loving home, not a home where mama is trying to one-up a baby mama and possibly end up being a baby mama herself. So, if you're having unprotected sex with your boyfriend and you're not on birth control, you need to stop. Please don't bring an innocent child into the world because you have the need to feel important to your boyfriend. A baby will not make you more significant to him. Trust me on this. I have two of my baby daddy's three children. The other one is the oldest. Having his children does not guarantee you his heart so don't play that game.
It's time for you to think like a grown woman and take responsibility for your life. Is this REALLY how you want to live? Is this really the kind of relationship you want? Can you trust and believe that there is a man out here that knows a good woman when he sees her and has made his life ready for her? Those are the sorts of things you need to think about instead of how to get your boyfriend's mom to replace her family photos. :)
Feel free to subscribe to my personal facebook page https://www.facebook.com/MLewis001. Stay in touch and let me know how things are going. Remain blessed and know that God is here to help you through anything you may be facing. Continue to pray to Him and seek Him for direction. I'm thankful He led you to my blog and He will continue to guide you every step of the way.

RespectUrself said...

Hey Melissa, I know this post is old but i really need your advice and opinion. Ive been with my man for a year now, i am 23 years old and he is 30, before getting together he was in an 8 years relationship with his baby mother and they had 3 kids together. When we first got together the baby mother did everything to try to make me run the opposite directions, from calling my phone private, showing up to his house acting crazy, trying to break into his house just because i was there, trying to fight me numerous times, and keying my car. Through all this i stayed by his side because i just felt that she was hurt and that could be the only explanation for her actions. In the beginning she would not allow him to see his kids, tried to take him to court, and would just act very crazy (again i get she was hurt). Fast forward months later she finally started to come around allowing her children to come over again and developing a little bit of a friendship with him. Well fast forward a few more months, now she calls him random times of the night, he doesnt really talk to her much around me, she picks him up while im at work, she has told him through text in the past she still has feelings for him even though she is suppose to have a man now but he is in jail because of her, and i even found out he stayed the night at her house and didnt tell me. None of this was happening when her man was not in jail. It makes me jealous that when she wants to see him or the times they talk (never around me) are always secretive or they use the kids as what feels to me as an excuse. I love this man but am i playing myself because things just dont feel right anymore...He says im just being insecure and immature. what do you think?

RespectUrself said...

Hey Melissa, I know this post is old but i really need your advice and opinion. Ive been with my man for a year now, i am 23 years old and he is 30, before getting together he was in an 8 years relationship with his baby mother and they had 3 kids together. When we first got together the baby mother did everything to try to make me run the opposite directions, from calling my phone private, showing up to his house acting crazy, trying to break into his house just because i was there, trying to fight me numerous times, and keying my car. Through all this i stayed by his side because i just felt that she was hurt and that could be the only explanation for her actions. In the beginning she would not allow him to see his kids, tried to take him to court, and would just act very crazy (again i get she was hurt). Fast forward months later she finally started to come around allowing her children to come over again and developing a little bit of a friendship with him. Well fast forward a few more months, now she calls him random times of the night, he doesnt really talk to her much around me, she picks him up while im at work, she has told him through text in the past she still has feelings for him even though she is suppose to have a man now but he is in jail because of her, and i even found out he stayed the night at her house and didnt tell me. None of this was happening when her man was not in jail. It makes me jealous that when she wants to see him or the times they talk (never around me) are always secretive or they use the kids as what feels to me as an excuse. I love this man but am i playing myself because things just dont feel right anymore...He says im just being insecure and immature. what do you think?

Melissa said...

RespectUrself, props to you for taking the time to reach out with your question. I'm going to keep it real with u if u will allow me to. First, it concerns me that u are with a man that is 30. But beyond that, u are with a man who has 3 children from a long term relationship. As a "babymama", let me tell u that a woman doesn't just have 3 children by the same man if she doesn't believe that relationship will be permanent. For him to turn around and be with u after 8 yrs and 3 kids felt like a slap in her face. One major mistake that we women make when getting involved with a man is only thinking about ourselves and our man and not the other women and children that our man may have hurt. I'm going to try to spare u 10 yrs worth of pain and foolish decisions real quick. Your bf and his children's mother have unfinished emotional business. He has three children to raise, whether he has a gf or not and those children have a mom.

Melissa said...

Continued...
As harsh as this is going to sound, u are not the priority in this situation. But thats not your fault. It's his fault for bringing u into a situation he hasn't handled properly but it is your fault for staying and tolerating it. At 23, u should be starting graduate school or climbing the corporate ladder or opening your own business. Don't allow this man to waste your productive years. You must take the reigns of your life and pursue your goals and dreams. This is no way for a strong and beautiful woman to live: drama, cars keyed and sneaking behind your back. No mam. Somewhere there's a guy who knows how to honor u and u don't have to feel like you are last on his list..and if I were u, I wouldn't rest until I found him nor would I settle for less. Follow me on facebook: facebook.com/MLewis001. Blessings to you!

Benny Bonaduce said...

My situation is so much harder bcus I've been with this guy since I was 16. I'm 20 now. During our relationship he was unfaithful as most young guys are. Anyway about a year into our relationship he broke up with me to be with another chick, not soon after that did I find out she was pregnant. They were together less then 4 months when this happened. The night he told me she was pregnant he also sent me a long text saying that he wanted to get back with me and marry me yada yada ya...I agreed...and when I tell you that this is the HARDEST thing in the world for me. I mean 2011-2012 have been such a rollercoaster. After the baby was born he left me again so that they could be a "family" and it just never works out for them and he comes right back to me. Bt his babymom is soo disrespectful and just spiteful. She tries to tell me that if he and I move in together. He won't be able to see his son. We argue everytime we speak. Bt what hurts the most is the family aspect. For example I'm not allowed at his house at all because his mother doesn't want both us coming there. His mother or family doesn't even know me barely. He graduates from school on Friday and I can't even go. That hurts so much. I haven't even met his son. I feel like a complete outsider. I mean after dating someone for 4 years things should be different. And still after all this I still think he misses her recently because he seems kinda off. Idk maybe I'm just paranoid. It's so hard to just leave bcus hes a good guy that made a mistake. I just don't think he handles is the right way. I feel like she make SHE & her son the main focus instead of their SON being the main focus.

Benny Bonaduce said...

My situation is so much harder bcus I've been with this guy since I was 16. I'm 20 now. During our relationship he was unfaithful as most young guys are. Anyway about a year into our relationship he broke up with me to be with another chick, not soon after that did I find out she was pregnant. They were together less then 4 months when this happened. The night he told me she was pregnant he also sent me a long text saying that he wanted to get back with me and marry me yada yada ya...I agreed...and when I tell you that this is the HARDEST thing in the world for me. I mean 2011-2012 have been such a rollercoaster. After the baby was born he left me again so that they could be a "family" and it just never works out for them and he comes right back to me. Bt his babymom is soo disrespectful and just spiteful. She tries to tell me that if he and I move in together. He won't be able to see his son. We argue everytime we speak. Bt what hurts the most is the family aspect. For example I'm not allowed at his house at all because his mother doesn't want both us coming there. His mother or family doesn't even know me barely. He graduates from school on Friday and I can't even go. That hurts so much. I haven't even met his son. I feel like a complete outsider. I mean after dating someone for 4 years things should be different. And still after all this I still think he misses her recently because he seems kinda off. Idk maybe I'm just paranoid. It's so hard to just leave bcus hes a good guy that made a mistake. I just don't think he handles is the right way. I feel like she make SHE & her son the main focus instead of their SON being the main focus.

Melissa said...

Benny, thank u for leaving your comment, I'm going to be very straight forward with you not to offend you, but to help you. The problem with many women is that we often refuse ti acknowledge the common denominator between what we are going through and what the next woman is or has gone through. Your circumstances may have different details than the other women who have commented but you all have the same core issue. Understand something. Going out and making a baby with another woman isn't just a "mistake". Leaving you to go be a family with her isn't just a mistake. Being unable to attend his graduation isn't a mistake. His family having no respect for you isn't a mistake. He has painted a clear picture of his disrespect for u with his actions. But the problem is you keep falling for his words, which are music to your ears. But his words unfortunately are nothing more than beautiful lies that have kept YOU hangin on while he's clearly moved on. There are two conversations going on from this man: what he says and what he DOES. The question is "which voice will u continue to believe"? For your own sanity and dignity, it's time to believe what he's been doing, not what he's been saying. Feel free to subscribe to my facebook page: facebook.com/MLewis001 or follow me on twitter: Mel_Ann78. Stay strong little sis and take care of YOU! Blessings to you.

Lovely666 said...

Hey,
I just came across this blog. Reading it gave me some insight. Things I already do. First my boyfriend and I are both in our 30's, we have both been married for over 7 yrs, we both have children from those marriages. My boyfriend pretty much stays away from my ex, and I stay out of things with his ex. My children live with us, his daughter lives primarily with her mother.
Now we both support choices and make choices together involving ex's and children. My boyfriends daughter wants to be with us, but remains with her mom.
I think our relationship works, because we can each be in our relationship and "family" but we both see things as we would if we were in our ex's shoes. He dislikes my ex and I really dislike his, some of his actions leave me feeling insecure when it comes to his ex. He married her because she got pregnant. He has no interest in marrying me, and thats ok, ive done it and honestly its much simpler being the girlfriend than the wifey.
Everything is living life taking experiences learning from them and using them when you need to, or adjusting and working on things that need work, like any "normal" family relationships.
Im always up for advice or insight. But the main reason I am commenting is because I really want to let these girls know these relationships involving children aren't easy, and take a lot of strength and work. In some cases more work than you think you have energy for. But I have found its worth it in the end. Atleast for me.

Kayla Engquist said...

I have been the child in that type of situation so I understand a part of it, and my now boyfriend is the first guy I've been with that has a baby, we've been together for almost 2 yrs, his baby will be 3 this year.. and I have only seen his baby mama, she doesn't want to meet me and i don't, I don't want to take over I Just want her to know that and to try and be in good terms. Also they talk a lot texting about random things only rarely about the baby plus she is now asking to borrow money and he just gives in. Right now we are trying to save money for a house and this borrowing money and talking at 2am about a concert or texting about videogames and him going over here me watching the baby all week staying at the er for 4 hrs cuz the poor baby is sick and still not meeting the baby mama bothers me

shaniab89 said...

Heyy. Soo here's my story im a 21 year old college who's in love with my high school sweet heart who is 26 by the way ( ive dated him wen i was in high school he was in college) anyway. At first we was jus plan old boring neva fight happy couple then he went off back to college 2 years after we dated long story short.. We broke up bc long distance relationship doesnt work for me. Years lata he came bac from college with a lil baby girl which is a blessing to him in my eyes.. Anyway with jout thinkinh i asked him out . He said yes. We was happy but then i started noticing we was getting serious and my feeling got stronger. His bm would cum and get the baby from him go on abou her business. Then he told her we was together started seeing her more n she would do all the rolling eyes and things and i still was ok with it. Then one afternoon im out side of my bf hous she pulls up n started startd screaming and calling him babe infront of me n lookd at me weird. I lookd n i got upset my bf camr out n didn't put her in her place i left. Then he calld saying he told her off n the hous. The other time i was driving frm a party 2am n seen her car in hes drive way i calld i get no answerhe calld back n told me she got kickd out her house for that night. I forgave him and took him bac.. We argue about it alote bc its alwayd on my mind. I feel lk she do things on purpose n he agrees. Then she has my bf take her so. To school every morning n i feels lk he shouldn't jus bc i feel lk she has him around her finger n it bothers me.. She has alote of ppwer ova him n im just confuse n always asking y. N its getting worst now. I feel insecure and i cry alote negind doors BC he's giving her wat she wants and she's laughing at me.

Brandi Mckinney said...

Hey Melissa. My name is Brandi. I was in a similar situation. I was dating this guy for nearly a year. He has a 12 yr ol daughter with his baby's mama. He has had his daughter since she was a few mths old. She has never lived with the baby mama. He would never let me meet his daughter or visit his home. I only visited once in a years time & it was breifly. His babys mama still comes around. When she is visiting his home.. Well he still lives with his parents so i should say the parents home. I always asked him were they still an item. He would always tell me no. He says to me he hasnt been in a relationship with his baby mama in 10 yrs. Well ab a mth ago the baby mama called my phone from his phone at 3am asking me what was going on with me & her childs father. I told her everything. She went thru his phone & saw previos text msga and pics that he & i shared. She was upset & so was i. She told me that they had bn back together for 2 mths when he was just with me thenight before. He denied me of course. Days later she continued to call me private asking me where do he & i stand! He later called & apologized for putting me in his drama. I eventually got my number changed. They now live together. But still to this day whenever he sees me. He tells me how much he misses me & hes sorry. He still wants to continue a sex life with me. I love him. I am really hurt by this situation and i dont know what to do. Can you help me please!!???!!

Melissa said...

Kayla and shaniab, for the sake of discussion, I'm gonna be "babymama"that neither of you are having a face to face conversation with:
Dear gf,
I just want you to know that if you're mad at me or trying to check me in any way, you are wasting your time. Your man, my babydaddy is thebone leaving the gate open and I'm just walking through it. Sure you could say that I shouldn't be walking through it but I guess all the locksmiths should retire because there's no need to lock up anything and keep it safe. Your relationship with your man is between yall, not me. And my relationship with him is our business. If you have a problem with our relationship, take that up with HIM because trust, he aint doing, saying or being anywhere he don't wanna be. One day we'll both get tired of being played by the same man but until that day comes, realize we are both, you and I, being played. It's up to you and me to decide when we're done. Sincerely, -Your Man's Babymama

madmilk said...

Really happy to have found this thread without an angry, ignorant audience bashing the women in this position. I hope you will respond because i would value your advice. My boyfriend and i have bren togethet almost three years. He has a daughter by a woman who lied about birth control and we have a 4 month old son. He is a good father, respectful and considerate of my position in all this, wants to marry me and tries to deal with his daughters mom the best he can. Hes a god man. I love him and his daughter and i even get along great. Yet still...i just can't shake thede feelings. The mother is a...challenge to say the least but t I don't know if id feel any different if she weren't. Im resentful of the time, money and attention his other child takes. I try to think of us all as our own unit...i just can't. I know its not her fault shes here, im careful to not show her any tension or resentment, and the three of us do a lot together but...It was a challenge for me having my firstborn with someone who had already done it w someone else and now I just feel miserably stuck. I thought it would get better but its actually gotten worse. If i walk away, i deprive our son of his father and me of a relationship I love except for this one aspect. If i stay, im putting myself through emotional hell. Will it get better, can i change, should i walk. I want to support him in their relationship, to be a friend and good influence to his daughter, but it kills me. I want a happy family. I thought i could do this...i dont think so any more and its so painful either way. Is there any answer here.

Anonymous said...

I really enjoyed reading this blog post and the comments because I felt as though every situation was providing very real insight into this phenomenon. I am a 24 year old woman and I have a 28 year old boyfriend. We've been together for 3 years. He has no kids and no obligations to other women. I purposely DO NOT and have NEVER dated a man with children from previous relationships because I took the time to get to know myself, my wants, and my needs. I am young and I have no use for a man with extra baggage, as I am also not trying to create any for myself. I am doing what a young, beautiful, and strong woman should be doing at this age. I am currently working two jobs, paying my own bills, and starting my own company. I don't have time for men with children, as I don't have time for any myself at this point. I truly feel for the women who have commented on this blog that are in their own dramatic situations with their significant others and a babymama. Some of you ladies have been blessed with not having children of your own with the person, so it may be a bit easier for you to assess your worth and value and get out of a bad situation before it gets worst. Some of you, unfortunately, have become babymama #2 and are now dealing with the effects of that. As women, if we want men to respect us, we have to respect ourselves and show them we are worth it. I think it's very hard, especially if you are under 30 years old, to deal with babymama drama. If you choose to start dating at 40 years old, then having a man with kids is somewhat expected, if you are dating within your age range. In your 20's, that shouldn't even be on your agenda. You should be shooting for the stars instead of worrying about your man and what he's doing with his babymama. Most men, not all men, have a blurred perception of relationships with women after already having a babymama. They now have a babymama and a girlfriend (who, may also be a babymama) and they feel sexually entitled to both. The babymama because they've already been intimate enough to have a child together, and the girlfriend because that's his current chick. I knew from when I started dating men in general that that wasn't how I wanted to live my life. So, in the past when I have met different men, if they mention anything about having a child I automatically put them in the friend zone. Because I'm choosing not to deal with that. You also have to think about finances as well. As one of the other women on this blog commented, when you have a man who has outside obigations, things like saving for a house, car, wedding, etc. become extremely difficult. Especially if the babymama is spiteful and does the typical "I'ma suck every penny out this fool" move. That's another thing I'm not dealing with. I want at least 3 kids, so I'm not against having them at all. But I am against being thrown into a situation with kids if I'm not ready for that. So, my point is, if you're absolutely okay with dealing with this kind of life, then by all means, do you. But if you're like me and have dreams of success that require "no-baggage" situations, then you need to smarten up and pick the man that you know can live up to that. Good luck, ladies!

Anonymous said...
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Bay said...

Hello Melissa,
I been dating my boyfriend for almost 1 year this coming Sept. When we meet he already had a son and his baby momma was expecting the second one. I have yet to meet either of them.
My boyfriend and I got very serious very quick and now we are living together. We definitely have weeding plans in the future. As of now we are very happy except with the children situation. The mother does not let him see the kids unless she or her mother are around. He has to drive to go see them at her house or there has been a few times when she drives to his mothers home.
I have always been bothered that she does not let him take the kids because that means I cant meet them until she lets him take them. Now I'm more bothered because when she takes the kids to his family home his whole family is there because they want to see the kids and when she goes she takes her parents as well so I feel like its a family get together and Im not included. It makes me feel left out. When in reality Im already part his family. The only reason why I am still left out is because of her. To my knowledge she has never said anything about me but she is clearly doing everything in her power to keep me away from her children.
They are currently trying to settle this in court but who knows when that ends. I tried to keep a brave face but there are times when I cant help it and I tell my bf how I truly feel. I know its a complicated situation for him but if we are as serious as we are I feel like I deserve to know his children. Im not just a typical chick who is going to leave in the next couple of months.
What would you suggest I do? Should I try to reach out to the baby momma? Should I just bite my tongued and pretend like everything is okay? HELP!!!

Jasmine said...

Hello Melissa, I Found your blog to be quiet interesting. I am in a difficult situation being that I am 20 years old, I've been dating my boyfriend whom is 25 for six months. I met his child from his previous relationship about a month ago he now wants to bring him around me much more.He has clearly told me has nothing to do with the mother of his child anymore and I believe so, but should I be wrong for wanting to meet her?

Jasmine said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jasmine said...

Hello Melissa, I Found your blog to be quiet interesting. I am in a difficult situation being that I am 20 years old, I've been dating my boyfriend whom is 25 for six months. I met his child from his previous relationship about a month ago he now wants to bring him around me much more.He has clearly told me has nothing to do with the mother of his child anymore and I believe so, but should I be wrong for wanting to meet her?

Jasmine said...

Hello Melissa, I Found your blog to be quiet interesting. I am in a difficult situation being that I am 20 years old, I've been dating my boyfriend whom is 25 for six months. I met his child from his previous relationship about a month ago he now wants to bring him around me much more.He has clearly told me has nothing to do with the mother of his child anymore and I believe so, but should I be wrong for wanting to meet her?

Gertrude Bush said...

Hey sweetheart,
Just like the other women commenting. I'm going through a tuff time with my boyfriendwho means the world to me and the mother of his child. Don't get me wrong I don't really care for how she go about things but that's not my place. we recently just fell out about her and his child. well for starters we agreed to get his daughter on the weekend because that's his off days. so we got her two weekends ago. Sunday night comes for BM (baby mother) to get her child and she don't. he tells me we keeping her for a week . I'm like how we gone do that when we both work in the day . my schedule changes every day . Well he has a set schedule 1 to 10 pm.. So the first week I just said ok. I had my mother watch her until I got off work . She told me okay but she really didn't want to because it wasn't her grandchild and because of all the problems I been telling her about I been having with his BM. But she did so I'm thankful. so the weekend comes up again, time for the BM to pick up the child and she doesn't once again. My boyfriend tells me we keeping her another week because I don't feel like arguing with her about getting his daughter. The BM told him she need a break from her child and life so he better find a way. Now don't get me wrong I love his daughter but when we get her she's always with me and he never has her. so I got her the whole time. I ask him did he see how I feel about getting her or seeing I had something to do since she's always with me. He told me no ,he figures since I got his then it should be ok. The first week was hard enough. I dropped days I couldn't get my mom to watch her. Then he don't want me to take his daughter to many places without his okay first. so when I got we in the house most of the time . who wants to sit the house 24/7 ? I don't have no kids so why am I being the mother 24/7 ? They don't want me whooping her or disciplining her. so when she acts out or run off they don't want me doing nothing. she finally comes gets two weeks later. I tried sitting down talking to him about how I feel but.instead of understanding my point of view . He rushes to say you don't have to get my daughter no more if you don't want to be around her just say that. I didn't say none that. I told I should have to drop what I'm doing to please your BM . I don't stop what doing to rush home to get her daughter from her when its not my child. He like why not ? I said because that's not my daughter at the end of the day. And I don't to have jump through hoops for her. You have my back on how I feel. We argued and nothing was resolved. I don't what to do and it hurts. I cry myself to sleep ay night because I feel so alone.

Queen Bee said...

Hello Melissa...
I am in need of your help. My boyfriend and I are both in our 30's. I have children from a long term relationship as does he. He has been seperated for 5 years from his wife (not divorced yet). His ex will not allow me to be around her children even though he has them in his fulltime care. He abides by her rules begrudgingly but he still abides by this rule. He is scared of her. Most people are. She's a bully. I have done what she has asked. I had a sitdown meeting with her at her request before I met the kids. That was months ago. I pose no threat to the children. I don't smoke, drink, drugs, swear. She is quite obviously jealous and threatened by me but how long is too long to endure this for? We both have our kids fulltime and seeing eachother is almost impossible because of her controlling attitude. Should I stay or should I go? I must add...I do love him very much. He is the most wonderful man I have ever met and meets every need I have but living ten minutes away from him and not being able to embrace him when I want is almost unbearable. I'm exhausted. I need more from him and when I tell him I'm fed up with his ex's controlling ways, he clams up or says he's scared of her turning the kids against him...and she would...she has already started. Its awful for the kids. What do I do?

Chris Reaves said...

hey im a man and I have a question. so me and my girl started dating 3 years back. long story short I was lying to her about sleeping with the mother of my child.. so me and my girl now met in china and my baby momma lived in America.. when I was in china id mess with my girl now ad when I was in America id sleep with my daughters mom..well things happened and the girl who im with found out.. we weren't bf and gf yet but I told her that I liked her and that I was sorry and that id never to it again..since then we have been together going on 7 months.. my gf now feels that I shoulnt talk to my baby momma unless its only about my daughters wants and I agreed up unto a point...heres my question if im at my daughters graduation or sporting event should I ignore my baby momma if she asks me a question like " so your daughter looks cute in her cap and gown or if she asks me if I like an outfit she has on"... should I ignore her (my baby momma) or answer it... my gf now feels that all I should be able to say is hi... absolutely no chatting about my daughter or its disrespectful to her and means I don't care about her feelings or don't love her... another thing I went to the graduation and took a pic with everyone that came to the graduation. some of her family and some of my family were in it as well as my daughters mother and I but not together in the pic, I didn't think of it as being a family pic I seen it as everyone that came out its just a pic my girl says its a family pic and even though its my daughters graduation I shouldn't have stayed in it because my baby momma was in the same picture.... I need some advice on what to do how to make her feel more secure... I know she feels pain and doesn't like my baby momma because I was sleeping with them without them knowing.. what can I do? advice.. if you need any more info let me know

Melissa said...

Madmilk, thanks for stopping by. I'm going to be straight with you. Here's my question: why did you feel the need to introduce bmama#1 as the one who lied about birth control? She may have, but did your man skip sex ed class? Lol! Here's something I want you to consider. Women are constantly tearing each other down. Why continue to feed the negative energy? Liar or not, she gave your man his first child which he both loves and claims. The only difference between you and her is a breakup. If your man broke up with you, yall would be in the exact same shoes. When you have a chance, go back and read my post called What's A Man To Do?. In it, I said something key: all of you are family. Your man made a family when he made a bahy with the both of you. Do families always see eye to eye? No. But at the end of the day, this is the only family your children will know. They will always have siblings with a different mommy and one day, yall are going to have to explain this to them. You're being selfish right now. I'm not condemning you or criticizing you for it, but I'm being the big sis who will keep it real. You could get bogged down in the petty things or you could begin to ask yourself what type of family do you want your children to have and do your part to build it. That may mean praying for bmama#1, making sure you're lendingba hand to her becausevat the end of the day, women hold it all down and just want to take care of their babies. It may mean deciding to stop comparing yourself to her in your mind, finding fault and comparing yourself to her. Raising a child ain't easy. You both should show mutual respect for that alone. Never let a man cause you to tear another woman down. It was a woman in the hospital with you, telling you when to push. A woman showed you how to swaddle a baby, treat a cold, find a deal on clothes and pampers. Show love and it will come back. Any man worth his salt wants a woman who can respect herself and others, especially when "other" has his child. Blessings to you. Keep in touch! -Mel

aiyana orr said...

Hey Melissa, I need some advice I have a boyfriend that iI known for 6 years nd we been been dating for almost 4 months nd he has a 8 month old baby by his ex baby mom who he can't stand cuz of how she treated him. But im left wondering why he just doesn't want to go back with her, I mean like they have a family together who doesn't want nothing more than that?, but at times I feel irrelevant to his family cuz of his ex and his son. Im also trying to cope with the fact his ex is going to be in his life basically forever or have a bonded life because of their son. So I just don't see why he just wont get back with his ex and get his family back together

Latasha Matthews said...

Hi Melissa,

I'm the girl dating my junior high sweetheart. Going into this I knew I could handle it. The girl ended up prego before we got back together. What's done is done.

Everything was fine until the daughter arrived.... Long story short he went and took family portraits with her and the baby.


Not "we share the baby" type poses, poses that indicate "we are a family".

We are now having problems .

Latasha Matthews said...

Continue from my previous post ...

I'm really pissed at him because there couldve been different ways of posing in the pictures as opposed to thinking it was ok to go and act like a couple.

I asked him why he didn't ask how I felt about it and he had no answer. He then lied and said he forgot to tell me then later said he didn't forget he just knew how I was going to react, which means he did what he wanted knowing I'd be upset later.

I'm more upset about how he handle this. He simply couldve said hey we want to get pictures done how do you feel about that? ... There are also other issues like the mother hanging around while he's doing his daughter daddy time. She breastfeeding but I know there is a window in which infants can be left for 2-3 hours with pumped milk.

Why is he allowing all of this to happen??? He still claims he loves me and wants to be with me and he's making mistakes but not on purpose etc

I don't think I'm over reacting because he's been lying, omitting info and just simply not asking how I feel about things or keeping me in the loop of things. I feel like if he wants me there like he says he would let me know what's going on and no not tell me your every move type thing but tell me something instead of absolutely nothing!

I'm afraid that when I get there there's going to be more trouble so I'm preparing myself for the best and worst and trying to keep a positive attitude and support him. I'm uprooting my life in Cali to move across stage to be with him in 3.5 weeks, this incident along with others just happened and his daughter is about 2 weeks old so I know everything is still very new. I understand that and I'm trying to find a way to understand these other things going on without getting upset but geeze after I looked at the pics it was a huge slap across my face.

Please help me with all the advice you can. Also his based on him and other ppl the BM was friggin nuts! The first week he got caught up in the fact that she was "acting right" and now that he is trying to change a few of these bad habits he has started she is now wanting to go to court, cause arguments over things that have nothing to do with the baby etc. he was pretty much doing everything she wanted him to do. Spent entire days at her house with the baby, pictures, hanging around each other when the mom could've left baby with dad.... So she's made it clear that she is trying to create this imaginary relationship with him and he is only adding to it because he is trying to "keep the peace" with her...

I have a problem with that. So please please help me clarify things and restore my confidence in going into this situation.

Melissa said...

Latasha, let be straight with you. Your bf is double minded and he has no idea what he wants or where he truly wants to be. Secondly, it is an incredibly foolish move to make on your part to uproot your life for a man that is as torn and conflicted as your bf. If there's any way possible, don't move. Wait. Your bf has a brand new baby. Emotions are running high. He probably is considering the possibility of trying to make a family with his bmama. Most men who were raised right do. And bmama just had a baby which leaves her feeling emotional, hormonal and wanting support. My advice? Give your bf space. You deserve a man that's 100% committed to you and you already know by his actions and the fact that he feels the need to lie to you that it's something he can't do right now. For future reference, I'd never involve myself with a man who just had a baby with someone or had small children. Fact is, lines often get blurred between bdaddies and bmamas and sometimes, they can still be involved sexually, even several years afterva break up. The person you need to look out for is YOU right now because your bf's first responsibility is to his child, not you. And you cannot dictate how he should go about the task of being father and co parenting with bmama. The two of them ARE in a relationship and it's up to them to figure out how things will go and it's up to your bf to set appropriate boundaries with his bmama so that he can truly move on to a new relationship which is hopefully with you. But by the looks of things, that day is a long way off and if you don't heed the warnings and red flags now, you stand to be in for a tremendous amount of hurt and disappointment. Keep me updated sis! -Mel

Melissa said...

Chris Reaves, thank you so much for visiting and commenting! I appreciate the male perspective. Here's my advice regarding your situation: be completely honest with your gf. Parent to parent, you and I know how incredibly unrealistic it is to attempt to control every family function that involves your daughter and her mom, so don't try. It's important to reassure your bf and build trust but don't set yourself up for failure to the point you end up having to oie because you agree to terms that are unreasonable. Your first loyalty should be to your CHILD, not your gf or even your daughter's mom. Establish clear boundaries with both women. Your gf needs to know what she has absolutely no say over and so does your daughter's mom. Every decision you make should take your daughter into consideration first, and no one else. If your daughter wants pictures of her parents together, she should be allowed to have them for her own collection of momentos. Likewise, let your gf know where she stands with you. She cannot control or manipulate you, but that the two you will work together to build a bond and establish trust that doesn't directly or indirectly require you to neglect your daughter in any way. I know it's not an easy road but there are three women waiting on you to take a stand, be the hero and give clear leadership by setting appropriate boundaries. I have every confidence that you can do it! Be sure to check back in with me to let me know how things are progressing. -Mel

Latasha Matthews said...

Mel,
Thanks for the advice. Unfortunately I only have 3.5 weeks before scheduled to leave. I've ready broke my lease etc etc so even with your advice I will still be making the move. This is where my mindset is... I realize the situation and risks I'm taking, this man is worth it to me. The place I'm moving is a place I've always wanted to be anyway for career advancement. So yes I'm uprooting for him but also myself. I also have my plans to take care of myself whether this works out or not.

I also know the the first 3 months of the child being here is crucial between the parents and I actually do want to be there to see how they interact, how he handles things (in person as opposed to being so far away while he goes thru this). Heart ache may be a possibility but that's not something I'm a stranger to at all. I have set a certain time frame for myself to dive in and take the risks. If I can't seem to adjust or he can't by my "deadline" then I will make the choice to move forward without him. I know I shouldn't set "time frames" or "guidelines" although I've learned that this method works for me, maybe not you or others but it does for me, I look at it as more of a soft guideline to try and make this work but to also protect myself... Hopefully that makes sense but I will definitely "favorite" this blog and keep you updated! Thanks so much. Also take no offense that I am going against your advice, I'm taking your advice and applying it in bits and pieces to my particular situation which helps so much!

Melissa said...

Latasha, I take mo offense whatsoever but zI will say this for future reference: never make a life altering decision absent of prayer and godly counsel. Most of us, self included, seek advice after we set things in motion. Essentially our minds are made up and we're looking for an amen corner. I don't know how old you are but I suspect I'm a couple years older. One thing I've learned is that it's never too late to change your mind and make a difficult, but wiser choice. Based on your response, you seem to already have an idea of how things can go with your bf and are prepared either way. I wish you all the best in everything you set out to do. Many blessings to your sis! -Mel

Latasha Matthews said...

Oh yes sis The Lord is my everything. I confide in him, thank him and serve him. He's my strength. Thanks again and God Bless

Melissa said...

Jasmine, thank you for your comnent and your patience! I'd have to answer your question with a question: why do you want to meet her? It would have been nice if your bf had facilitated a meeting between you two, but since he hasn't, don't stress it. She may not be ready to meet gf right now but is ok with their child being around you for the sake of quality time with daddy. Try not to wear your feelings on your sleeve because if you do, they will surely be hurt. Your bf's relationship with you, his child, and his bmama are three separate entities. As long as he's treating you right, taking good care of his child, and showing basic human respect to the motherof his child, ddon't sweat the small stuff. But I have a suspicion that this is deeper than just wanting to meet bmama and say hi. Let me know if I'm wrong. Blessings to you! -Mel

Donnesha Johnson said...

Hello Melissa, my story is kind of similar to the others but I have a friend and he's 29, we met this year in February and been together every since now, ok well anyway I'm 20, he has 4 children. When we met he told me that the last relationship he was in was with his last kids mother which he only had one child with was a few months before he and I met. He told me he had a family but she left him and went out of town because I guess it wasn't working out. Well about maybe a month or two ago he told me that she was moving back to town because where she was wasn't working out anymore and that she would be staying with him, now mind you before she came I was going over his house and same, he was coming over mines and we was having great times, some downfalls but we overcame them. I was having fun with his other children and him, we were living it up. He told me a little after we started being together that he loved me first so I figured I was doing something right. Now back to where I was..ok so (yes were having sexual intercourse and I loved him so much that I even got on birth control fro him! And me!) But anywho so about 5 days ago he got locked up because him and her got into a fight and she called the police on him, he told me she started welling on him all in his face so he had to defend hisself and get her off of him, they where intoxicated. But he also told me that they got into it that night because he wasn't the same as when she.got back because he had met me, but what should I think...if she moves back in with him(which he only told me it'll take only two months for her to find her an apartment or something) I knew that was a lie! But they in the same household and around each all the time and then come to find out they fought to! I'm thinking that maybe they should get back together, even though I love him dearly with all my heart I can't compete with her especially since they have history and I never tried to compete, just was always crying and wondering if he was trying to work things out why would he still want me around? I've.been putting money on my phone so we could talk, and he's telling me he love.me more than ever! I just don't know if I should stay by his side all the way which I want to so bad or just let it go because I'm also thinking that when the tpo is off and he go back home and she's there, they have unresolved issues and I just don't want to be hurt. Can you please help me, man I really do love him he's changed some parts of me that I never thought could change. I don't think he has sex with her, because me and him still had sex mostly every other day but sometimes we went two or three days apart without. But I wondering if they didn't have sex why did they fight? Should I hold on I just give up?

Donnesha Johnson said...

Hello Melissa, my story is kind of similar to the others but I have a friend and he's 29, we met this year in February and been together every since now, ok well anyway I'm 20, he has 4 children. When we met he told me that the last relationship he was in was with his last kids mother which he only had one child with was a few months before he and I met. He told me he had a family but she left him and went out of town because I guess it wasn't working out. Well about maybe a month or two ago he told me that she was moving back to town because where she was wasn't working out anymore and that she would be staying with him, now mind you before she came I was going over his house and same, he was coming over mines and we was having great times, some downfalls but we overcame them. I was having fun with his other children and him, we were living it up. He told me a little after we started being together that he loved me first so I figured I was doing something right. Now back to where I was..ok so (yes were having sexual intercourse and I loved him so much that I even got on birth control fro him! And me!) But anywho so about 5 days ago he got locked up because him and her got into a fight and she called the police on him, he told me she started welling on him all in his face so he had to defend hisself and get her off of him, they where intoxicated. But he also told me that they got into it that night because he wasn't the same as when she.got back because he had met me, but what should I think...if she moves back in with him(which he only told me it'll take only two months for her to find her an apartment or something) I knew that was a lie! But they in the same household and around each all the time and then come to find out they fought to! I'm thinking that maybe they should get back together, even though I love him dearly with all my heart I can't compete with her especially since they have history and I never tried to compete, just was always crying and wondering if he was trying to work things out why would he still want me around? I've.been putting money on my phone so we could talk, and he's telling me he love.me more than ever! I just don't know if I should stay by his side all the way which I want to so bad or just let it go because I'm also thinking that when the tpo is off and he go back home and she's there, they have unresolved issues and I just don't want to be hurt. Can you please help me, man I really do love him he's changed some parts of me that I never thought could change. I don't think he has sex with her, because me and him still had sex mostly every other day but sometimes we went two or three days apart without. But I wondering if they didn't have sex why did they fight? Should I hold on I just give up?

Elizabeth Tompsett said...

Maybe you can help me figure this out, my boyfriend dated this girl for three years, and they have a two year old together. I've known this man for seven years and he was my closest guy friend in high school, we got together in October and I was totally cool with the fact that he has a baby, when I was growing up I was in the same situation as his child. At first his ex seemed like she was happy for me and him, now not so much. She keeps making moves on him in front of me in our home when she picks up their son. I understand he has to keep things civil to be able to see his baby but its gotten past ridiculous. I know she wants him back, she broke up with him to get him to change but she did it in such a way to make him hate her, now it's my fault he won't crawl back to her. I know he loves me and I know he'd never cheat, that isn't what I'm worried about. I need a polite way to tell her back off, you gave him up and he's mine now. I'm just afraid she'll take his baby from him if I do that, and I love this baby like he was my own, I would do anything for this baby, but I'm getting tired of his mommy. Also she's dating someone now, he's in the military and is over seas. She didn't start acting this way until he left. I'm at my wits end, I've been polite and nice and respectful but with the way she keeps treating me I feel like the claws are coming out soon. My boyfriend can't do anything because she has primary custody and he wouldn't survive losing his only time with his baby. How do I handle this in a way that would make my mama proud?

vivian said...

Hello Mellissa...well i hv been dating this guy for 11months now.he has a son who wil be turning 2 in few months.i personnaly dont get into his issues with his bm bc i knw i wasnt there when it started.i dont even ask about his kid or his bm bc when i do he gets all worked up.ther hav been many times i have wanted to breakup with him, bc i always felt bad for the baby mama til i got to know more about her.this girl nags,disrespects everybody, embarrasses him everywher he goes and most of all uses their kid to manipulate him.always asking for money and is always threatening to stop him from seeing their son.he went home for vaccation and i cldnt reach him for about 3weeks because when she had th opportunity to meet his computer on, she blocked me from facebook,skype nd even when she could find his phone she blocked me too from his phone.everytime he wil unblock and if she coms hom wit the baby and his computer is on,conected,she looks for me and blocks me..it stopped i learnnt they had a fight abt it.now they are not on speaking terms i dnt know for what reason,i havnt asked.his mum told me they had a fight and he asked her never to com to their house again...to cut thgs short,its not lik we dont consider them,but at times they dont consider themslvs.she gets on the nerves of everybody, i ask myslf,hw do you do to get so much hate nd despise from every1.i even hv second thoughts about going home bc she has promised to send boys to beat me up. what do you do when you have such a girl as the bm of your boyfriend?

vivian said...

......

Melissa said...

Donnesha, let me be real: there is a significant age difference between you and your bf and don't think for a second he's not using your naivety to his advantage. The easiest woman for a man to sleep with is one he's already slept with and being under the same roof makes creepin all the more convenient. Couple that with the fact that some men behave as if they own the body of the woman or women who have their children and you've got yourself a sloppy played game on the part of your bf. He ain't even trying to hide what he's doing. He's just looking at you and amazed by how gullable you are. But instead of waiting for your bf and his bmama to sit you down and confess that they are still carrying on a very complicated but real love/hate relationship, why don't you protect YOU? Your bf has some unresolved issues to clear up with bmama before you or any woman that wants to be a part of his life is left feeling any way but hurt, confused and taken advantage of. If you're gonna do grown woman things, then you have to let go of your childlike naivety and protect yourself. Stay connected lil sis! -Mel

vivian said...

Mel could you please read my comment?? and help throw some light on my path. thanks

Melissa said...

Vivian, thank you for your patience. I'm a working mommy plus tonight was bible study night. I did see you and now I have time to reply. To answer your question, there's nothing for you to do about babymama. Yall aren't related, don't live together and don't even live in the same city. She is not your problem. The man you're with is. I've said it time after time in different ways: until the man does the hard work of mending fences and setting boundaries with his bmama, you are in for nothing but problems. Who gets to disappear for 3 weeks while he's conveniently near his bmama and still gets to call himself somebody's boyfriend?! Apparently YOUR man does. What excuses have you forced yourself to believe in order to justify that kind of behavior from him? I'm not overly concerned about your opinion of bmama because it's biased and based on the "I'm a better woman to him than she was" slant, plus anytime bmama pisses him off, he vents to you. But unless you've taken the time to know her and hear her side directly from her, you can't formulate an accurate opinion of her, so don't. If his bmama is all up in the mix, then your man is to blame, not her. He hasn't established appropriate co parenting relationship with his bmama. If she's close enough to touch his phone, I'd say she's too close. But that's for him to check, not you. Men make moves based on what motivates them. Sometimes it takes losing a good woman in order for a man to realize it's time for him to stop entertaining drama and drawing some clear boundary lines. But if you choose to leave, be specific and tell him why or else the lesson won't be learned. Right now, he has two women: you and bmama. Why on EARTH would he want to fix what benefits him most? Sometimes a man has to lose in order to gain some common sense. Blessings to you!

Mr. Me said...

A little different perspective dealing with my sons mother.


My sons mother is a crazy bitch. Im not one to sugar code anything. I moved out of the house and broke off the relationship when my son was only 5 months old he is now almost 3. She has some anger issues and lashes out violently towards me. I consider myself a calm and laid back person so the drama doesn't mesh well with me. She has hit me before, broke things and thrown things at me including the meal you might be sitting there eating. She is a white woman and I'm a black man so that doesn't make matters any better especially if police show up. (Thank god that has never happened.)
Sometimes people get tired of constantly defending themselves and going thru drama when all they want is time with there child. Since I moved away I still pay all the bills in the house where her and my son live. She won't work to help pay any bills. Its seems like she just wants to sit back and watch me suffer thru this situation. I would have put her out of the house years ago but she won't let me get my son and I don't want him to be in a messed up situation. She doesn't have any where to go and doesn't have friends or family to call on. What ever friends or family she does have seem to stay far away from her even her own children. I can only suspect that her acting out violently or weird behavior in the past has pushed them away. She uses my son as a pawn so I don't put her out of the house. She won't let me see my son sometimes because she uses him as a pawn like I said before.

I avoid confrontation and drama especially in front of our son. She will gladly lash out violently and tare up the house while my son sits there and cries his eyes out. This is something that burns me up inside. I know she doesn't care about the house after all she doesn't pay any bills and for nothing in it. Im trying to get my son out of this situation but its easier said than done. The only solution I have found is staying away but I love my son and want to spend time with him. I get him on weekends and every time I go to pick him up is like rolling the dice. (she might act crazy she might be cool you never know)

I know she had a rough childhood and has some anger issues but all I care about is my son and his welfare. When we were in a relationship I would always push her to get some form of help for her anger issues. She always made me feel like I was crazy for thinking she was crazy. One day I finally did get her to go to the hospital and if they checked her out and said she was fine I would leave her alone about it. We did go and they recommending she stay and be evaluated for a couple days. She lashed out violently trying to hit me and ran to try to escape the hospital. The police and security caught her out by the main road in front of the hospital and had to restrain her. They held her for a week at the physic ward and let her go. We weren't married and she didn't give the doctors permission to tell me anything so she came out and said she was fine. I didn't believe thats was the case so I moved out when she came back home mostly for my own safety and so my son wouldn't have to go thru the drama.

The only thing I can do is stay away until figure something out.

Melissa said...

Mr. Me, thank you for your comment. If you've taken the time to read my responses to others, then you have noticed that I'm big on people taking personal responsibility for the situations they find themselves in. As s parent and if you love your son,inaction on your part is simply unacceptable. I'm not too concerned about how your son's mom treats you (afterall, you have no problem referring to her as a b* which speaks volumes), but rather the safety and wellbeing of your son. If she poses a threat to herself and your child, you must petition the court for custody. If she is not a danger to your child, I'd suggest seeking a mediator for families to sit down with the both of you to work out a co parenting plan as well as visitation and support agreement. There are two sides to every story. But your side needs to do what's best for your son. Keep me posted! -Mel

stacey Bruno said...
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passmeyourlove said...
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welcome to temple of light said...
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welcome to temple of light said...
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Unknown said...

Hello I have a very weird story,

My fiance has 2 children with another woman. This woman is insanr I mean attacking me, slander doing everything in.her power to break us.off. The two children now.live with us and I found out I am now pregnant with his child.
It seems as though. He has been speaking to her everyday and I have confronted him about this because although I understand he needs to talk and discuss things in regards to the children, but it seems as more then that. We are buying a house in a month, and once the kids told her that she lost it was so mad that we where moving. We have lived together with the kids for months and it would be no surprise we would be upgrading and moving once again with eachother. He also deletes and hides everything in regards to her.
Im not sure what this means, does he want to be with her? It just seems very odd to speak with your seperated partner multiple times a day for extended periods of time...

Please give me some advice or a suggestion in what direction to take this matter. I apologize for misspellings as im on my cell.

Thank you

Melissa said...

Unknown, thank you for your comment. Here's my advice to you. Most women do not exhibit anger and rage for no good reason. If the behavior of your fiance towards bmama is a concern to you, I can only imagine what bmama would have to say, if asked. But rather than being overly concerned about he and she, there are two other people who need your immediate attention and protection: you and your unborn child. I would strongly recommend that you and your fiance slow the train down and do this right. That means, no more playing house and postpone any impending wedding plans you may have. Better to wait on the wedding so you can have a marriage that lasts or maybe even decide that marriage isn't the way to go. I know this is hard to swallow but someone has to tell it to you straight, and I care enough to do just that. Your fiance has unfinished emotional business with his bmama which is apparent by both of their behaviors. This situation needs to slow down for the sake of the soon-to-be three children involved. Marriage isn't going to ease any tension between you all and the additional child is potentially more fuel to the fire. Your fiance has some work to do before you try to set up house and home with him and you have to be woman enough to require him to do that work before locking you down. Unfortunately, if neither of you are willing to slow this thing down and get it right, the biggest losers in this will be the children. Yes, you are pregnant now, but so was his bmama...twice before. Slooooooow this thing dooooooown. Blessings to you! Keep me updated. Diary Of A Baby Mama has a group page on fb. Stay connected. -Mel

Ikedi Ero said...
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Ikedi Ero said...
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Mimzy William said...

Hey Melissa, My situation is that I have a 38 year old boyfriend and I'm 20 years. Yes, its 18 years older than me but he is the reason I'm happy today. The problem is that my boyfriend has 2 kids by 2 different mothers and I've met the kids and the love me. He has a 8 year old son and a 1 year 8 month old daughter. we have been together for a year and known each other for 2 years. He never wants me to go around the kids mom not has he ever introduced me to them. When he talks to them on the phone he moves away. when i confront him he says that is how he has always been. He does not like to talk around people and that telephone calls are private. His parents accept me and know that I may someday want my own with him. But why can't for now he at least allow his kid's mothers to know me. I don't want to replace anyone. I rather seem like and aunt to them than a step mother.
I LOVE the 2 kids so much, his son and I bond so well we have talks on the phone and everything. The daughter is still young and does not know what is happening. Thing is he and the mother did not officially break up they just stop relations and he moved on I don't know if she did. So maybe she still has feelings cause they have this lovely child together. He says that in time all that will come. What should I do? Do i keep asking him to meet them? or Give it up?

Zarina P said...

I'm 20 and I recently moved together with my boyfriend who is 32, he has a cute 3 year old daughter from a previous relationship that he intended to have and sees her every other weekend.

They broke up, went to court because she kept the child away and etc. After all the battles and arguments I came into the picture. At first I didnt want a relationship with him...but then i swayed into getting serious with him.

My boyfriend has a real problem of me not posting photos of us on instagram (smh), i personally been through some events with him that doesnt motivate me to do such, i like to keep my stuff personal but he can't respect that and becuase of that he doesnt respect me much.

As much as I love his daughter and she does as well, I'm starting to not like the fact he had a child from someone else, although he claims he wants nothing to do with her and she doesnt as well, they have manage to settled down more (they used to argue a lot and he would disrespect her). One instance, I went to get food for his daughter and his child's mother came to pick her up, I went to the car to give it to her and she tried to make a friendly joke with him. I'm really insecure. I just don't wanna be hurt behind my back. Seeing them go at each other's throat to being nice, it's just weird. Just makes me think they're getting comfortable although they're both in a relationship. I do know people can change their feelings. I just feel so outcasted.

With his disrespect and the fact he has a child from another relationship, just makes me want to leave and he knows this... i guess I can't stand being with a man who treats others way better than me. I just wish i never loved him so much and bonded with his child so good, it just would make walking away easy, i feel guilty if I walked away, i guess i'm inclined to the negativity as well as the amouint of love i receive from.

Zarina P said...

I'm 20 and I recently moved together with my boyfriend who is 32, he has a cute 3 year old daughter from a previous relationship that he intended to have and sees her every other weekend.

They broke up, went to court because she kept the child away and etc. After all the battles and arguments I came into the picture. At first I didnt want a relationship with him...but then i swayed into getting serious with him.

My boyfriend has a real problem of me not posting photos of us on instagram (smh), i personally been through some events with him that doesnt motivate me to do such, i like to keep my stuff personal but he can't respect that and becuase of that he doesnt respect me much.

As much as I love his daughter and she does as well, I'm starting to not like the fact he had a child from someone else, although he claims he wants nothing to do with her and she doesnt as well, they have manage to settled down more (they used to argue a lot and he would disrespect her). One instance, I went to get food for his daughter and his child's mother came to pick her up, I went to the car to give it to her and she tried to make a friendly joke with him. I'm really insecure. I just don't wanna be hurt behind my back. Seeing them go at each other's throat to being nice, it's just weird. Just makes me think they're getting comfortable although they're both in a relationship. I do know people can change their feelings. I just feel so outcasted.

With his disrespect and the fact he has a child from another relationship, just makes me want to leave and he knows this... i guess I can't stand being with a man who treats others way better than me. I just wish i never loved him so much and bonded with his child so good, it just would make walking away easy, i feel guilty if I walked away, i guess i'm inclined to the negativity as well as the amouint of love i receive from.

Ashley said...

Mellisa, i love your blog, but I need a little advice. I have two children, my babydad and I broke up about a year ago, we were together for 5 years. I recently just started dating an old boyfriend of 3 years before me and my babydad got together. we hung out once about a month ago and all the feelings we use to have for eachother came rushing back and we jumped into being together, and now we are even living together. He even wants me to quit my job and stay at home with my kids. Now here's the messy stuff....he has two kids as well. His babymom has been acting pretty crazy, but I just keep my mouth shut and stay out of it all, because I am a mom, and I know how territorial I would be with my kids if another women came along in their dads life. It would be hard. plus me and my boyfriend haven't been dating long, even though we dated for 3 years when we were younger, him having kids is all new to me. But if his babymom continues to start drama and talk crap about him having a family with me and my car seats being in his car and alll this other non sense I feel like things could get bad. I've never been the women to ignore another winona disrespect to me, and i've only kept my cool for my boyfriends sake, and for the kids. she has control as to when he can see the kids, and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize that. Its actually even hard for me to post anything to do with my boyfriend on facebook due to the mutual friends we share, i'm scared she might see and get jealous. I think she wants him back and sometimes I get worried he might want her. But he treats me amazingly, talks about marriage within the next two years, we live together, and he already has been kind of acting like a father figure to my kids, as their father isn't around for another few months when he's released from prison. Thats another thing i'm scared about, me and my babydad have an okay relationship, and I hope my boyfriend isn't threatned by that. I need advice on all this craziness!

sandra thams said...

I have been together with my ex boyfriend for 5 years and we were already making plans to get married before we broke up recently. I like to admit that we did have our differences and we had a few fights often but we always got out of it. About 3 weeks ago, I literarily caught him flirting with a very close friend of mine, it’s totally unacceptable to me and that led to a separation. We broke up after that incident and I told him I never want to see him again. At this moment, it’s barely two weeks ago and I miss him already. I don’t want to lose my ex boyfriend to any gold digger. I want to know how to attract my boyfriend to me again, I need to know how to win his heart get my ex back into my life? I called him several times and he would not even pick up his phone. I don’t care if I have to use psychological tricks or tips advice to win back his heart after the break up. Everything I’ve tried to do seems not to be working. I love my boyfriend, he loved me and I don’t know what to do or say. He was the one who cheated on me and I’m to forgive him. But he didn’t even try to reconcile. I know he loves me, but my best friend whom he flirted with is trying to steal my boyfriend away from me,I need to reconnect and reunite our
relationship, i try all my best until i mate a female great spell caster online Name Dr Kate (katelovespell@hotmail.com) i explain every thing that happened to me, she told me not to worry that she is gonna help me if only i can help my self and i told her yes. she promise to help me cast a return and love spell that last forever, after i summit my information, she cast the return and love spell and guarantee me after three days my ex-boyfriend is going to call me and asking for my forgiveness, i was so surprise the third day of it in the morning my ex-boyfriend call me on phone telling me he is come back that i should forgive him, thank you once again Dr kate (katelovespell@hotmail.com) she is the best you can reach her email address.

law said...

Okay, here is my situation. We known each other since we were 12&13 and had puppy love during that time. We also lived in the same neighborhood. Years past we both went on with our lives. Fast forward to now we are adults and reconnected again. We both were living back in the neighborhood I was single and he was single as well. He told me that he has a 5yr. Old son and no longer with his babysmother. We dated for six months and I chose to end things. Two months later he calls me out the blue and said I was locked up and out now and want to work things out. I was cautious but still loved him. So I pushed him away for a while then decided to give him another chance then I didn't hear from him in a few weeks. So I called him and his baby'smother picked up and was polite and said he is busy but will call you back. I never called him again bc to me his back with his babysmother and I respectd that. He called me a week later saying that we needed to talk. So we met up and he told me that he is not with his babysmother but living there for his son and bc of financial issues. He wants to continue to work on things and be with me. He told me he loves me and sorry for this situation that he is in and has nothing but respect f or me. I told me that his priority is his son and wants us to move in with each other. He told me he wants to be the man to take care of me and saving money for his own place. It's hard for me to know that he is living with his babymother even though I understand the situation. He calls me and we see each other everyday.

Just needed advice how I should proceed with this.

Melissa said...

Mimzy, thank you for your comment. Before I answer your question, let me paint a clearer picture for you: you are 20 and your bf is 38. He aleady has two children, 8 & 1. This tells me a couple things. First, he was in no hurry to have children with his first coming along at age 30. Second, his youngest child quite possibly was born from a serious relationship. If you're going to do grown woman things, you gotta interpret the data of your own life in a grown way. You have at least 15 more strong reproductive years. You could have your first child by 28 or 30. But your bf would be how old? Every choice you make now has a consequence. I'm 35 yrs old and I know that many men your bf's age are not sitting up wanting to have more kids if they already have them. Older men may be appealing because of their so called maturity but what makes you so appealing to an older man? Your maturity? No ma'am. It's your innocence and naivity. A woman my age knows the game and has been played by it a few times. So right off the bat, I'm not impressed with your bf. The reason you haven't met the mothers of his children is because he feels like keeping you all apart is the best way to keep down drama. But if you want more, ask for it. And if he won't give it, leave. This whole relationship is more beneficial to him than to you. He gets a beautiful young woman with no kids who's devoted to him and you get a man slappin 40 upside the head who already has 2 kids of his own. Please reconsider.

Melissa said...

Zarina, thank you for your comment. Let me share with you some key things to consider. Being in a relationship with a man who has kids is a whole nother ball game than just dating a guy who doesn't have children. God intended for a man and woman to marry and bring children into this world from that union but what's best isn't always what's done. It's natural for you to feel some type of way about your bf having a child with someone else. The problem comes in when women choose to handle this feeling in the wrong way. Some think the solution is to have a baby by their bf which is foolish and just plain wrong. This NEVER solves the original problem but only creates a bigger one. Some women choose not to date a man with children so as to avoid all the extra stuff that comes along with kids outside of a relationship. Be honest with yourself about what you want and need from a relationship. It may be best for you to date a man who can devote himself to you (they do exist) and doesn't have kids outside of the relationship. If that's what you truly want, then there's absolutely nothing wrong with pursuing your desire. But once you decide to be with a man who has children, you have to know these feelings and insecurities you're feeling often come with the territory. Is that what you really want? Choose wisely.

torn! said...

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 yrs he's 27 and I'm 30. He has 2 children that are 7 months apart from different mothers. The oldest child's mother has moved away changed her number etc so we do not see him. The youngest child he has half custody of so he is with us half the week. Now here's the fun part. The child's mother and I did not get along at first but to avoid drama we just stayed away from each other. Me and bf broke up once last summer for a few months and got back together since then me and baby momma talked and all 3 of us were getting along fine. This summer me and him broke up again and they got back together (this also ended in me coming to move the last of my stuff out and me finding her in my house...big fight.. ) they were together maybe a month and broke up...me and him are now back together (yes I know I'm dumb for this...) now its really hard for me to accept the fact that she's going to be a part of my life as long as I'm a part of his I love him with all my heart and treat his son as if he's my own he's an amazing little man!! (None of the "drama" occurs around him but I know it affects him...when I moved back in this time he asked me if I was going to stay forever or if mama was.. awkward right?) Anyway him and her text every single day and he usually finds a reason to stop at her house at least 3 times a week never for more than say 5 minutes hut nonetheless its still a flag to me...just about everything concerning her is a flag honestly and I'm tired of feeling this way. I know he loves me as I love him I'm just not sure what actions to take to deal with her. He mentions her name at least once a day and it makes my blood boil. He's constantly talking about getting married and having a baby with me but in my mind the only reason he wants the child is to keep me in his life as he's done with her. I don't know where to turn and I'm really confused... any advice would be greatly appreciated

Melissa said...

Hello Ashley. My advice? Slow down and prioritize! You've made a lot of moves already that aren't necessarily in the best interest of your children but sound more like it was done to fill your desire to have a man and family. What you have right now with your bf may feel real but it's fake because you really don't know him. People can and do change in 3 yrs. Your children already have a father who will soon be released from prison. What's your plan for this when it comes to your kids. You have a lot more to think about right now than playing house with an old flame and worrying about his baby mama. Stop making emotional decisions and think like a parent.

Melissa said...

What part of a man who has two children only 7 mos apart do you find irresistable torn? And you seem remarkably calm about him sleeping with his babymama, so much so you didn't mind sliding right back with him as soon as she gave you enough wiggle room to move back in. This isn't love. This is a sick, twisted competition between you and baby mama over this guy and he's making complete fools of you. Find enough dignity to move on. He has to deal with baby mama and has no choice. Baby mama doesn't win if you walk away because clearly he has no self control when it comes to sex, having two children a mere 7 mos apart and continuing to bounce between you and baby mama when you all fall out. Step out of this three ring circus!

need in love said...

I have been reading the blogs and i must admit that this situation fits me almost to a T the big issue is i am not the girlfriend i am the WIFE and he did have this child before me and did not have a relationship with her now he is wanting me to introduce the child to our three children. I have a little bit a anger and pride that tells me why are we doing this you have not been doing anything why now. A bit of me says talk to the baby mama and find out what are her objectives. He stated that all she asked is that he call once in a while to say hello to her and maybe send her a card saying i am thinking of you. She does not want any child support. The child is 7 years old now. I am torn between the happy story of its just me and our family to try and incorporate another child and her mother in our lives. I am not sure what to do or how to handle the situation. Not to mention i am young as well.

Melissa said...

Need in love, support your husband being a father to ALL of his children. If he is a good man then don't put him in a position that makes him feel like he must choose between his wife and his child. Even if he doesn't leave you, he will resent you. Let him take the lead on how to handle this. This is about his child, not the baby mama. If you're looking for a reason to be offended, you'll always find several. Instead, support your husband in loving his oldest child and support that child as much as he supports and loves his three with you. Like it or not, your children have another sibling. Denial won't change that. But love and support can strengthen your marriage. Blessings to you!

asia burnett said...
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KNicole18 said...

Hi Melissa. This post is old but hopefully I can get some advice from a woman who has been on both sides of the fence. I'm 24 and dating a man nine years older. He found out through a friend that his ex was pregnant after we started seeing each other. Fast forward two years later, his daughter is now one. They co-parent but do not get along well. For her first birthday they gave separate parties and she did not come to the one he planned. I get along well with his family and encourage him to spend as much time with his daughter as possible. My concern is that there seems to be some built up resentment and emotion between him and his ex. He says she did him wrong but doesn't say much else. He says he regrets hooking up with her after the breakup but loves his daughter. I feel like one day they will forgive, forget and move on together as a family... leaving me, the "girlfriend" alone and heartbroken. I normally don't date men with children but his ex's pregnancy was a surprise to us both. I want a man to call my own, without sharing between a baby mother or child. Is that selfish of me?

Melissa said...

KNicole18, it's not selish, it's the kind of honesty needed in a situation like this. Consider this: the scenario you fear is the same thing you desire. You want a man who if he makes a baby with you will stand by you and his child. But you don't know if your bf is going to do this or not. But if he doesn't go back to his bmama and child, you can't help but wonder what type of man is he. You deserve a drama free life and if you don't want the drama that comes with babies, baby mamas and daddies, you don't have to have it. Stay true to what you really want in life and yes, you can have it. Blessings to you. Check out my latest blog. I talk a bit more about dating a man who has a babymama.

Melissa said...

Asia, you know what you should do. The problem is you've turned this into me vs baby mama. "She got pregnant on purpose"...your bf had sex with her more than once ON PURPOSE. "Desperate acts to get him back"...you have a baby by someone and see what your actions become. Your fear is legit. He could very well bounce back and forth between the two of you for a long time. Question is, has this become a game you're trying to win or a life you're trying to live? Either way, it doesn't sound like you're having much fun.

Melissa Adams said...

I am a wife with 2 kids by my husband. We've been married 11 years and have broken up and got back together. Currently we are trying to work the marriage out. In between the times we were separated he had 3 kids by 2 different women from different states. Right now we live in the same state as one baby mama. Just recently she was in a relationship and never called or asked the husband to see the kids. Now her relationship is over, she's calling, texting, emailing him and he hides it from me. Also she's gotten to the point of posting bad things on my Facebook for family and friends of mine to see. Plus texting and calling me bad names. Please keep in mind I'm the WIFE of 11 yrs. What should I do?

Melissa said...

Melissa, thanks for stopping by. First let me say I don't know all the details I realize time and space doesn't allow you to tell it all. I would strongly recommend you and hubby seek out counseling because three children with two different women is no lightweight issue. Simply getting back together over and over does not address the root of the problem. If you all are truly committed to your marriage, invest in outside help. Find a church home if you don't have one and a licensed relationship therapist. . It may be challenging to work through it all but it's not impossible. Blessings. -Mel

Shy Allen said...

Hi melissa I am 20 years old. Me and my bf have been together for a year this month. About 2 weeks ago he started acting weird and moved out of the house. He would just get angry with me for no reason. Well yesterday he finally told me that he found out that he has a 3yo daughter that he didn't know about. And now he's confused because she wants to be with him so that they can be a family after her man left her. I think she's tryin to start trouble becauseshe wasn't going to say anything until she found out he was getting married. So now he won't move back in the house. He now picks up his daughter but won't bring her around me because his bmama doesn't want no bitch excuse my language being around her which I believe iscompletely IGNORANT!!!!!! He tells me all the time that he loves me and wants to be with me. But he still won't come back home. He say that haven't been sleeping together. I just don't think its fair how just because you have a baby with somebody doesn't mean you have to be with them and it just breaks my heart how she is going to try to take him away from me. We are supposed to be getting married in February and now all of this happened. I love him to death and we have been through way too much. Idk what I should do. I pray every night that things will go back to the way we used to be.

Melissa said...

Shy, I'm very sorry you're going through this. But your bf clearly has unfinished busy. Better to deal with it now than later. Let your man sort this out. If he's going to be the head of your house and future father of your children, you need to fall all the way back to see if he's truly ready (and you too) for this huge commitment. Marriage is beautiful but hard work. If you're not willing to give him space and time to deal with his past that has now surfaced, you may not be ready for what marriage truly requires. Best wishes to you all! Stay connected to Diary on fb. -Mel

Mrose said...

Hi Melissa,
I am 20 years old my boyfriend is 24 and he has a 2 year old boy. We've been going out for 7 months and things are doing ok. This is the first time I've dated a man with a kid,I never thought of myself as the type of person who would. I am young and have a whole life ahead of me why should I trouble myself and get involved with something as delicate as this situation? Love is blind, deaf, unpractical and oh so stupid.
But I am resolved to try and make things work, but I am scared. I'm scared I'm getting myself involved in something that I wont be able to handle.
The fact that he is still technically married to the babymama angers me greatly. Legally separated doesn't mean much to me. Recently, he had to unfortunately move back to his mom's house for financial reasons. The babymama works for his mom taking care of his very old grandfather. They both see each other everyday. In my (although biased) opinion she is still way to involved in his life, it is completely understandable that they both have to communicate and stay on friendly terms for the sake of their son but she still expects him to get her out of trouble whenever she is dealing with a difficult situation. Whenever her car breaks he gives her a ride home, when she is running short on cash she asks for money, when she is having issues with her own boyfriend she talks about her sex life with him. Am I wrong to want to set some boundaries? I've never met her in person nor do I want to.
My boyfriend swears that he does not want to get involved with her ever again. Then why does he allow this kind of relationship with her?
He has his son everyday now because apparently the babymama has an unstable living situation. We barely get to spend time with each other. I want this to work but I need advise please help?

ieshia holloway said...

Hey Melissa my name ieshia and my story is a lil different from others .. OK so I have a lil girl and. My bf has a lil but I don't have a problem with that baby mother.my bf had hot this girl pregnant and she lost her baby but he tells me that they Dont talk or whatever but he always talking on the phone with her she always come get him when he needs a ride so she texted me an asked Me do I still talk to him do they still got some going on?

Melissa said...

Mrose, I want to tell you something I wish someone had told me at your age:
You will meet a lot of men in your lifetime. Do NOT waste your time trying to make a relationship work. The right ones work wirhout all the extra effort. And any relationship that you can't seem to walk away from, despite all the drama and pain it brings is the one you definitely should walk away from. Stay connected! Blessings. -Mel

Melissa said...

Ieshia, I don't know the answer to that. All I know is that you have a man who likes to maintain contact with women he's had sex with. And the easiest person to have sex with again is someone you've already had sex with. Govern your actions and decisions accordingly.

kiauna kennedy said...

Hi Melissa, I really need some advice / guidance thru my current situation. Me and my boyfriend have a 3 yr old son together. Weve been on and off for about 4 years now. During one of our "off" periods he started dealing with someone , whom he later had a child with about 8 months after i had my son. There have been occasions where we would go through our problems, break up, and he would run back to her, emotionally and sexually. The last time that they had sex was in May, and its bothering me because he says im stuck on the past, and im acting like a child when i express how i feel about the situation. Honestly, this has made me insecure, because his bm still has feelings for him, and im not sure if he still has feelings for her, even when he tells me he doesnt. We have moved in together, so its getting pretty serious now, but I am still dealing with my thoughts of them.How can i get past this feeling, knowing she honestly doesnt respect my relationship with him because she feels like shes entitled to certain things that she isnt? I know shes going to have to deal with him b/c they have a child. I try to explain the reason i feel like this is because of him..if he didnt have a history of going back and forth with her, I wouldnt feel as insecure. Please, I need your help as to how to handle this. Thank You!

Melissa said...

Hello Kiauna. Your bf and his bmama may have a history of going back and forth with each other, but you also have a history of taking him back after he's been with her. You have allowed a viscious cycle of breaking up and making up to continue. In order to break this cycle you must do something new.
My suggestion? Stop breaking up.
Break ups are meant to be permanent, not something two people do when they're mad, hoping that the other will change. If you want to be with him, that means that the thing that has caused you to break up in the past can no longer affect you.
Never, ever break up with a man hoping it will motivate him to change his ways. It won't and your bf has proven that. Commit to the relationship, whether it's good, bad or ugly or be prepared to let it go completely. That is the mature thing to do.
Stop this unhealthy cycle sis
Blessings to you and stay connected! -Mel

confused said...

Like many I am glad I found this blog because I have been feeling a bit uneasy about my relationship and surely do not want to play the fool but nor do I want to blow things way out of proportion. So Melissa here is my story. I have been dating this man for a few months. When we first hung out one of tge first questions I asked was if he had kids he gave me a joking answer saying I may have many so I took it as it was and just said he didnt look like he had kids...he didnt correct me. A few months later I took his phone jokingly and saw he got nervous so I demanded to know what he was hiding which resulted in him telling me he may have a child. He told me a bit of the story still holding back with a bit of lies. We have argued about it constantly with of course me bringing it up. In the middle of December we got into it and I called my mother and it was as if she knocked some sense into me. She told me he is still lying if the girl loves him he has been knowing about the baby longer then what he said. He had told me he just found out about the baby but the baby was already born when he told me and is now 6 months old. So I confronted him and thats when I finally got the truth (I think). He had know. Since the beginning through out her pregnancy. They had talked about being a family but he says it never worked out. He has held the child changed diapers etc meanwhile I had eexpressed to him how unfortunate it was he hadnt done that and hopefully he could build a relationship with the baby again he hadnt corrected me. Then he decided about two weeks ago that he needed a break from us and needed to know I could accept everything. Then he decides he cant do it without mme.I know she still has feelings for him obviously and last night she called and wished him a happy new year and asked if she and him were good. And that was it. That phone call nags at me as I found it inappropriate she didnt mention the child nothing. In my eyes it was an irrelevant phone call but to him he thinks it is justified and there was nothing wrong with it because supposedly she was speaking on behalf of the child. We have been arguing about it and I still cant come to terms with it. Am I being irrational? He says he just doesnt want any drama and turmoil so it doesnt effect his relationship with the child but im having a hard time accepting and understand ing what are proper boundaries and what is appropriate and inappropriate. He says he expects her to call on holidays and his birthday because it is on behalf of his daughter who cannot do that yet. Is this appropriate?

Melissa said...

Confused, let me paint a picture for you. You and your man are construction workers on a construction site. All of the materials are there. You put up the frame, walls and roof. But what's missing? A firm FOUNDATION. A principle that will serve you well in life is this, if you heed it: There is no relationship where there is no trust. Period. There may be walls and frame but there is no stability and eventually, it will crumble.
His bmama and child isn't the issue. In a previous post, I caution women from getting involved with me who have very young children for this very reason. He lied to you because he knows the situation with bmama is still fresh and any thinking woman isn't about to take up with him if she knows all the details. Let your man handle his business as a father. He's not ready to be serious yet and instead of being straight with you, he lied. I'm sorry he lied and you caught feelings, but now that you know his situation isn't resolved, the choice is yours. You can't make a man respect boundaries when he has none. If a man wants your heart, he should already have boundaries in his life that reassure you that he's completely for the relationship he has with you. Blessings and Happy New Year! Stay connected and share my blog link with others who may have questions.

sidechick21 said...

Hi melissa my situation is my husband n I got married last year and he has a 2 yr old son and his baby momma knows how I look because he had pic of me on his comp when he was living with her he just move out last December of 2013. I still was dealing with him and they use to quarrel she use to make fuss of little stuff.but my thing is she don't know we married don't know we live together and the other thing she call 2-3 in the morning to talk not emergency call but talk esp about her family problem so is it wrong for me to tell him DAT why all of a sudden y'all want to be close friends and he did confess he has love for her but I think he still on love Caz when I try to defend myself against her he jump down my throat and yell at me.bit he can't do DAT to her.they plan trips behind my bk I find out when he talking to other ppl dats how I find out she send me stuff in my email but I don't tell him but when ppl Facebook request her she thinks its me and tell him.then he tells me I'm trying to come between a child being with both his parents and seeing his parents togetber .I know I might be jealous but the things she does I have to trying to loose weight even though he said he love me I still don't know what to do Caz I'm fed up its best they get bk together and live since they so loving.

Okosun William said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Melissa said...

Sidechick21, I have some questions for you to ponder: It seems like you have some lingering questions and uncertainties. Why then did you decide to get married BEFORE your concerns about your husband's bmama were addressed? You had uncertainties and insecurities before you married and guess what? Now they're still here. My advice? Believe what your husband tells you. The only way your marriage has a ghost of a chance to survive is if you have trust. If he tells you it's over between him snd bmama, believe him. Anyone would get tired of being accused for every little thing they do. Delete and block bmama from Facebook and focus on your marriage. If you don't, you won't have a long lasting marriage. Blessings to you. Stay connected!

Bernadette Clark said...

recently I just found out that my sons father fathered a child with someone else just like a day before we got together. and so my son and her son are only two months apart. I'm having a hard time accepting it I don't want to be feeling the way that I am. I'm not even sure how it will workout. they haven't done a dna tests yet but we are pretty sure the child is his because the other guys dna test came back as not being the babys father. Last year he was flirting with her and saying perverted things and it broke me and he made it seem like we were a mistake to him and he messed it up with her. but they didn't even know each other but that one night and he ripped the condom. I am just not sure how to deal with this even after he found out she was pregnant two weeks after that he never brought it to my attention and kept it a secret for a year. So I'm nervous and afraid of going through that hurt again with him flirting with her. its hard to deal with and I'm not sure how to do this without being jealous of another woman. I would like some advice. I'm trying to figure out the next step Iknow we can't change the past but accept it and cope with it I'm afraid of the things that will happen in future

Melissa said...

Bernadette, don't get overwhelmed. The turmoil you feel is due to trying to predict other people's feelings and actions. The only person you can control is you and the only thing you know for sure is in the here and now. Can you trust your son's father NOW? Is he fully committed to you NOW? Aside from being your son's father, which he may be good at, is he good to YOU? You can't make a good daddy be a good boyfriend nor should you confuse the two. This other woman and her child is not your issue. Your focus should be on figuring out if what you have NOW is real or just all on you. Only you can make that call. But you deserve a man who's as honest and committed to you as you are to him. Blessings to you and stay connected!

HeavyHeart said...

Hi Melissa,
I like your advice! Maybe you can help me- and I know the problem is in me so let me go ahead and get that said.
I met my Husband when his son had just turned one. We worked together. We fell in love over that first year and got married but he had issues with his child's mom allowing him to see his son and I wasn't very involved. A year after our wedding she moved back in town and he immediately filed legitimation and child support so he could begin to have rights to see his child. I fell in LOVE all over again! His near three year old became the apple of my eye and I only love him more every day.He is turning 7 this month, and I thought my concerns would have disappited by now. This is whats happening;
When she first came back into town, my husband had to be in her presence for all time he spent with his son for about four months. That summer ((very early on)) my husband went to the swimming pool with them and she tried wrapping her legs around him where he says he pushed away to the deep end and she giggled and asked him if he had a girlfriend. Thats when he told her about me. They went to dinner, visited museums and did numerous other family things together in this time. I'm sure you can imagine my silent tears on car rides home from work and sleepless nights while he slept happily next to me.
Finally, it was arranged for me to meet his son and his bmama. She answered the door and i smiled, trying to ignore the jealousy I had felt. I hugged her and told her I was so happy to meet her. We ate and I chased the three year old around, making him giggle.
I thought I had done it all right. I thought everything would get easier.
While it did get easier, its still a constant uphill battle. His mom is an over-protective type. I don't have children but I can understand wanting to protect this precious boy. She is ALWAYS telling my husband what to do, how to spend his time with his son. She says things about me under her breathe or in a nonchalant way that make me feel like she is trying to make me look bad to my husband. She moved in with a new man about a month after she met me. A year later, they were married and have their own little broken family problems (she has two totally gorgeous baby mamas who I'm sure drive her nuts).
But every day I hurt over her. Every day my thoughts go back to disliking her and wishing I didnt have to put up with her. Every day I am bitter and eaten up by my disdain for her behavior. She puts her son between their problems and doesnt care how her actions her their son, so long as it also hurts my husband.
HOW do I STOP obsessing over her? Taking negative things she's says about me and doing them better JUST because she said them...
I'm afraid to have children and bring them into this venomous situation. I like what you said about how we are all a family now and I dont want her to be a part of my children's family. Please help :(
This is my first time asking anyone about it.
Sorry its so long!
Thank you in advance!

Melissa said...

HeavyHeart, first, I salute your courage in posting here! Your pain and frustration is a major reason why this blog exists. Too many women are going through this. That's why I caution women to "don't date, investigate".Your focus, like many women, was on you and your husband's romance. It wasn't until you married him that you discovered the complication of his relationship to his bmama. My advice to you is to stay focused. While it's true that you all are family that doesn't mean you all are married. The only relationship that needs to be priority to you is your marriage. Second, let your husband take the lead on how to deal with bmama and then trust him. He created this family dynamic by having a child out of wedlock so it's his responsibility to handle it. So far, it sounds as if he's doing just that. You all don't have to be one big happy family grinning and bearing one another. The important thing is that your husband has an opportunity to be a part of his son's life. Blended families take a LOT of work and not all scenarios play out like Will and Jada. So relax, trust your husband to make good decisions concerning his son, support his decisions and the be confident in your position as the love of his life. This situation is not as bad as it seems and it will improve as soon as your attitude about it changes. Blessings to you! Feel free to stay connected by joining my Facebook group called Diary of A Baby Mam!

sara banks said...

Melissa,
I have found your blog to be so absolutely helpful and enlightening. I love and respect your clear view on things, and I can't tell you how much reading your blog has helped me realize some things. Also reading some of the other comments with women who have certain situations and reading your answers has helped as well. Hopefully very soon I'll have enough time to type out my specific situation and get your advice on it. I could really use it. I'm just really glad I ran across your blog. Bless you for writing this and helping women!

~Sara

Melissa said...

Sara, thank you so much for your comments and encouragement! You are why I do what I do. Please subscribe to this blog and stay connected to Diary's fb page. Blessings to you!

Cyria Davis said...

I really think you focus to much on how the baby mama feels instead of the gf. Just because the gf and bf aren't married means nothing! Because at the end of the day the gf has feelings as well. She to has to find a balance & she to wants to be & continue to be happy. Just because another woman has a child by your man doesn't mean you hve to give all of your power away or move on. Gf dont just want to lose what they hve because "people" feel there's no hope in making a relationship work. I'm not saying it want take so work or time to accept the situation but everything takes time & if your man wants you just as much as you want him. He will find Balance!!

Melissa said...

Cyria, thank you for comment. Allow me to clarify something for you and others who may read this: this blog is called "Diary Of A Baby Mama" because it is written from a baby mama's perspective. I encourage women, whether they're wives, gf's or bmamas to take ownership of the issues discussed here and not to be victims who blame others for their misery. Thanks for stopping by. Please feel free to read other blog posts of mine. This one is just a popular subject. Blessings to you!