Tuesday, April 02, 2013

Listen Up Girlfriend, Baby Daddy and Baby Mama!!

Knock knock...
It's me! I do apologize to those of you who've been waiting on me to post. My schedule has changed (which is a good thing and a blessing) but as a result, my priorities have also changed.
I am constantly re-evaluating the way I've structured my time for the benefit of my children.
That's our responsibility as moms- as LEADERS. We must constantly have our finger on the pulse of our families and make the necessary adjustments to provide the support that's needed.

I want to encourage those of you who come to my blog hoping to glean some insight into the mind of a baby mama. I want you to know that many of us are God fearing, loving moms. That's all. No horns, antlers, or pitch forks. The posts concerning baby mamas, girlfriends and baby daddies has gone through the roof in views. It's amazing but it's also an indication to me that this is a very real dynamic in the lives of young women today.
I want to say to you women who may have come across my blog desperate for answers that are facing you in your own relationship to FREE YOURSELF.

If you're a girlfriend acting like his wife, FREE yourself.
If you're a baby mama still acting like your baby daddy's girlfriend, FREE yourself.
Marriage is a lifelong covenant and plenty of hard work. And that hard work shouldn't be done for free. You owe it yourself to get paid in FULL with respect, dignity, honor and commitment. Any man that's not paying you in those big bills is short changing you.

It's time to resign.

Dating should be fun. If you are unmarried, you should enjoy your freedom. I'm not saying you should be free to sleep around and engage in lascivious and dangerous behaviors, but there should be a freedom to enjoy the life God gave you. You are not a married woman so why pretend to be one? Trust me, there are plenty of married women who wish in the backs of their minds that they'd fully appreciated their single season just a bit more. That's not to say that they aren't completely in love with their husbands. But every season makes us long for the one that just passed. Think about it... when it's summertime, we miss Fall weather and so on.
So enjoy your singleness and make sure you have the CORRECT definition of singleness before you get involved with a man.

Living with him, sharing bills, cooking, cleaning and sleeping with him are all marriage duties. You're doing just a bit too much if you're a girlfriend doing all these things. It's time to fall back and get back to the life that used to be enjoyable; the life you had before you had to pretend to be the wife of someone that you're not; the life you had before you were worrying about what his family treating you with respect. The life you had before you were competing with his baby mama for his affection.  That means he lives in his OWN house and you live in yours. He has his own bills to pay and you do too. Your body is YOURS until he puts a ring on his finger, not his to play with whenever he takes the notion. It's tough to think like a girlfriend because our culture has convinced us that being a girlfriend is essentially the same as being a wife. But that's not what the scriptures tell us and that's not what the Word requires of us. The scriptures tell us that husband and wife become one flesh; when God sees a man and his wife, He sees one being, not two. If you're "one flesh" you don't get to break up and become "two flesh" when somebody makes you mad. But when you take on the role and duties of a wife under the girlfriend umbrella, you quickly find yourself being frustrated and disrespected. That's because there is an honor that is bestowed on a woman who is called "wife". Never rob yourself or allow anyone to rob you of the honor you are due.
Free yourself.

Can we be honest? You may love your man (at times) but there are many times when you're holding on simply because you're too proud to let go. If you let go, his baby mama wins.. or his family that never liked you wins, or your family who told you to leave him, wins. But who's really losing in this situation? You are. There's no joy in feeling like you have to compete for your man' affection or wondering when he and his baby mama will ever stop crossing the line or when his family will ever stop treating you like the red headed stepchild.  Where's the joy and peace in that? Free yourself.

And baby mama, you need to free yourself also. Don't be any man's doormat. Yes, you have his children but you do not have to keep the light on for him. He's in your bed, her bed, and whoever else's bed but you're tolerating this for WHY? Because you two have children? Check this out.. would you want your daughter settling for that? Would you want your son treating a woman like that? If it's not good enough for them, it shouldn't be good enough for you. It's time you loved yourself for the sake of the little ones who love you more. Free yourself from the emotional roller coaster, the false hope, the manipulation and the pain of the past. Draw lines in the sand and enforce your boundaries.

My overwhelming emotion from the comments that I've read so far concerning my blogs about baby mamas, girlfriends, and baby daddies is sadness. I'm sad for women who feel the need to juggle so much drama everyday instead of just deciding not to play the game anymore. I want you to see that what you're dealing with is not even necessary. You don't have to figure out how to deal with a baby mama if you're not his wife. That's not even something that should be on your plate as a girlfriend. That's HIS property and HIS problem. Let a man be a man and let him work out his OWN messy situations. Any man that truly loves you will prepare a place for you in his life. He'll cut off who he needs to cut off, remove himself from whatever needs to be removed and he'll do this BEFORE he meets you because he's ready.  If the man you're with hasn't prepared a place in his life for you, you'll spend all your time and energy trying to carve out a space for yourself, which you shouldn't have to do and you're not guaranteed to be successful doing it.
Well, I hope this helps you to think about your situation a little bit clearer and to think differently about how you're handling the circumstances in your relationship. Keep your life as simple as you possibly can. Anything that robs you of your peace and joy needs to go!


robert said...

Good Stuff BabyGirl!
Love You Dad!

Melissa said...

Thank you Daddy.

Ashlee said...

I wish I could show this to my mans baby mama...

I've been dating my man for about a year now, I'm 23 and he's 26. His baby mama is the same age as him; they were high school sweet hearts. Been together for 9 years, broke up a few times in between. They have a 2 year old son, absolutely adorable. So, baby mama hates me. We know each other. Acquaintances. Basically I broke the girl code. I was well aware of the consequences and yes, I took the risk. They were engaged but broke it off bcuz she cheated on him when she went to Vegas for her bachelorette party. However, she's telling everyone that she just wasn't ready to get married. His family are fine with me, his mom has addressed me on the situation. Which I expected that she loves the baby mama (she's known the family for so long, I wasn't surprised or upset), she's best friends with his sister who is a year younger than me. Which I cannot comprehend bcuz she was there in Vegas and knew about the infidelity. But, I'm thankful to say his family is not involved in any of this and don't want to be. Anyways, I've talked to my man about respectful boundaries when it comes to contacting the baby mama. I acknowledged and told him, I know his son comes first and I know his baby mama isn't going anywhere. There will always be a bond with her and their son. I told him, when they talk either thru phone or text it should just be about his son anything other then that is inappropriate. Also, he should be able to freely talk to her in my presence. He told me he understands and I'll just have to believe he took what I said to seriously and to heart. I've questioned his love for me, I told him he doesn't have to pretend. But, he told me he does love me and believes he shows it by always wanting to spend time with me, cooking for me, taking me to places, and making plans for the both of us. I know it's my judgment to believe he's over his ex or not. I know she's not over him, she says she hates him and she done with him but then turns a complete 180 and starts acting petty and is all up in my business and says conniving things. Of course I just ignore and don't indirectly reply to her. I keep my thoughts to myself. I stay over his place more, we hang out a lot but I do make time to hang with my friends and same for him. I just need to know, am I handling it right? Is there anything else I could work on? Much appreciated.

Melissa said...

Hello Ashlee. My greatest concern about your situation is that you are questioning your bf's love for you. Instead of questioning him, you need tobtake a moment and turn those questions inward. Are you being completely honest with yourself and your bf? I don't think so. Unfortunately your decision to break your code and date the ex of an acquaintance is coking back to bite you. If you do not change your thoughts and actions, this relationship doesn't have a chance. You won't win by trying to manipulate and control him. If you don't like thevway he interacts with bmama, it really is your issue, not his. So, you can either stay and tolerate it or go and find a man who's ready for love and boundaries. But the way you're going about things now, you'll continuevto be frustrated. Stay in touch! -Mel

Tanya said...

Melissa, I would really appreciate it if you could email me. I have some serious questions and am in need of serious advice.

nia lux said...

i find your advice so incredible.because iam in that baby mama situation where i still am in love with this man and i let him in over and over. now i dont know.the situation between him and who he.says is his ex...but i know this is.the same female he cheated on me with and chose over me. and its crazy to me that hes back at me trying to get in where he fits in and right now my mind is back on him once again, still doing me.but im wonderin about him again, but im just like is it bad for.me.to.still.wanna give him a second chance.after a year? Im just frustrated that he still has yet to exactly define what he wants for.us, yet again,

Melissa said...

Hi Nia. If it's been a year, I'd say he has clearly defined things. You just need to believe what your heart truly knows. If you are his baby mama, then a part of him knows he should be with you for his child's sake but the other wants a woman who's fun and who he's not responsible to, thus his cheating. When you recognize the game, you no longer have to play it. Blessings to you. -Mel

Ijitona Tobiloba said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Melissa said...

Christianah, thank you for stopping by. Here's what I want to share with you. While you're giving so much attention to your child's father and he's obviously giving most of his to another woman, which of you are focused on the child and your future? Children grow up so quickly. These are moments to treasure. Someone has to make the child top priority and that someone is you. It should be clear to you by now that he is not willing to commit to you so your focus should be on making sure he provides for the child and you further your education in order to make sure you also can provide for your child. It's not fair to your precious child to have two parents completely absorbed with other things. He is the father of your child, not your husband and it's up to you to make sure that line doesn't get crossed. Blessings to you and stay connected!